amissa caritate ( forgotten love)
by Damna
Summary: The Reapers are defeated, but nobody knows how. Shepard wakes up in a hospital and has lost much of her memory. Seriously injured and alone she tries to understand what happened. Her last memories were in front of the Omega 4 portal. She, her friends and especially her boyfriend have to deal with this situation.
1. Evigila

**Amissa caritate (forgotten love)**

The Reapers are defeated, but nobody knows how.

Shepard wakes up in a hospital and has lost much of her memory. Seriously injured and alone she tries to understand what happened.  
Her last memories were in front of the Omega 4 portal.  
She, her friends and especially her boyfriend have to deal with this Situation.

There'll be many more characters than I can brag here. Jack, Tali, Liara, James, Grunt, Wrex, EDI, etc.

**Chapter 1 – evigila**

Litavis Shepard opened her eyes with a painfully distorted wheeze. Everything she saw was white. She had to blink a few times before her vision cleared. That wasn't the Normandy. They heard a hectic peep. Immobile as she was, she tried to see anything out of the corner of her eye. Hectic steps approached her bed. They spoke to her, but she didn't understand a word. At one time her arm seemed to be on fire and the world was dark again. This repeated itself several times. Often enough she did not sink completely into the gracious darkness. She heard noises, felt a machine press air into her lungs and the incredible pain that dominated her body. But that wasn't the worst. She felt alone. So terribly alone. Her life consisted of a variety of light, pain, loneliness and darkness. Every now and then a frightening thought penetrated her. Her crew! She had to save her crew.

Without any sense of time Litavis could not tell when she really woke up. The pain brought tears to her eyes. She had to leave. As strong as she could, she pulled on the breathing tube. Only terribly slowly she felt the objects sliding out of her windpipe. Coughing, she lay in bed trying to breathe. It was terribly difficult. She suffocated. Alchera's memories reappeared. Breathe! Breathe damned! Shepard screamed at herself in thought. She wasn't in space. There was more than enough air here. But whatever she tried, her chest barely lifted. Suddenly she heard footsteps. Through a grey fog, strange faces appeared in her field of vision. She was pressed firmly back into bed. NO! She had to leave here. Her crew was in danger. Desperately the redhead tried to fend off the attackers. She was so weak. Something was wrong. Her gaze fell on her right arm. Or rather what was left of it. Just below the elbow there was nothing left. A known burning started from the still intact left arm and her world turned black again.

Litavis woke up more and more often. It seemed to her like a perverse game. The last time she had made it out of bed despite shortness of breath. Only to find out that she had lost her legs as well. Again she blinked a few times to see clearly. She heard something. Something familiar when I distorted. Hope germinated in her. That was... She had to get in touch. Had to do something to get her noticed. So again from the front. She could now remove the hose much faster. Litavis waited for the moment when air was pressed into her lungs. She had only one attempt. She opened her lips to scream, but all that came out was a pathetic rattle. Blood was spilling over her lips. Not now. Not shortly before. If she couldn't scream, she had to make it to the door. The fall from bed pressed much of the precious oxygen out of her lungs. Blood filled her mouth and the pain wave made her almost faint. With the remaining hand she slowly pulled herself forward. Somewhere in her head a voice screamed that she had to bleed heavily. The floor beneath her was slippery. But that didn't matter. Everything didn't matter as long as she made it to the door. The alarm of the machines became quieter and quieter. Shepard slowly lost consciousness. Just a little more. A small piece. Her vision blurred. All she noticed now was a hectic white flutter and somewhere in it blue. She raised her hand only a few millimeters. Tried to grab the blue, but her world became dark again.

This time it seemed to take much longer to wake up again. She was in the bed again. Was she really here? Maybe she had died and now condemned to relive that day again and again. Or she had been captured and one made fun of it to separate more and more from her body until she no longer existed. But then why the pain medication? So it had to be the first one. She was dead. She was dead and punished. Tears rose in Shepard's eyes. Of course she was punished. She was a mass murderer.

"Commander Shepard? Can you hear me?"

An unknown Asari appeared in her field of vision. Bright light hit her pupils and Litavis pinched her eyelids.

"Commander Shepard, when they hear me they blink once for no and twice for yes. Do they hear me?

Emphasized slowly the redhead closed her eyes and then opened them again. Confusion was written on the Asari's face, but then she smiled.

"They were hurt very badly, Commander. But don't worry, we'll take care of them."

Even if the voice of the others sounded very reassuring, Litavis did not believe a word she said. When would she have been so hurt? And where were the others? Panic was boiling in her. Had she failed? Had she made a stupid mistake and her team had paid for it with his life? Now the hot tears banished their way down.

"Take it easy, Commander. I'll give them something so they can sleep."

NO! NO SHE DIDN'T NEED SLEEP. SHE NEEDED TO ANSWER! It was too late. The darkness embraced her again. Whenever Shepard woke up the strange Asari sat at her bed. She asked her simple questions, but Shepard didn't react anymore. They were dead. They were all dead and it was their fault. Joker, Karin, Garrus, Mordin, Jack, Grunt, Thane, Samara, Zaeed, Kasumi, Miranda, Jacob, Tali, Legion, Gabriella, Kenneth, Kelly, Rupert, Sarah, Vadim, Jenny, Thomas, Richard, Zach, Burt... The names and faces dominated all her thinking. Had Litavis always fought the darkness until now, she welcomed them now. Why couldn't she have died too? The doctor seemed to become more and more worried about her condition. As soon as Shepard opened her eyes she was bombarded with questions. Shepard simply closed her eyes every time, hoping to feel the comforting burning in her arm again. So far it had worked well, but today it was a little different. She was extubated.

"Commander, the operation was successful. Her new lung is working well and the other internal injuries have finally been treated. You will soon feel better. As soon as they are strong enough their limbs will be restored.

The redhead felt a mask put on her. Her new lungs sucked in the air. However, this tried new pain. Her chest seemed to be on fire. The devices to which she was connected began to beep hectically.

"I'll give you something for the pain, Commander."

Finally. You shouldn't reassemble them. She just wanted to die. Even if she were really punished after her death, she deserved it. She had disappointed everyone. Meanwhile Litavis knew that one day had passed with every new look. Since she had her new lung it had been thirty. The doctor argued with a colleague in front of the door. Why it worked Shepard could not understand and she did not try it at all. Only the hope that the Asari soon gave her back her medication dominated her thinking. It took a long time. Why didn't she come back? The faces and the names of her crew completely filled the commander's thoughts again. When she heard heavy footsteps, the redhead opened her eyes tormented. Her breath stopped.

"Ga...r...rus...", it came soundlessly over her lips.

The Turian accelerated his steps and grabbed her hand. He lived. They thanked all the gods whose names just occurred to her. He was alive! Garrus was alive! And if he lived, then maybe the others as well? She did not really notice how she began to cry.

"Litavis. By the spirits, you live."

His talons were driving tenderly through her hair. He sat down next to Shepard on the bed and tried to wipe away the tears as carefully as possible. Litavis needed some time to at least calm down. Asking, she looked up at her best friend.

"Everyone is fine, Litavis. You saved everyone. You saved the whole fucking galaxy."

Pure relief spread to her chest. She had made it. A short smile played around her features.

"James sits outside and waits. I'm about to relieve him."

"W...h...o...?"

Her voice sounded like a hollow whistle, but Garrus understood her nevertheless.

"James Vega. You know, the human Krogan."

Without understanding she looked at the Turian. What the hell was he talking about?

"Litavis, what is the last thing you remember?"

"Bahak... crew kidnapped... harbinger... nothing afterwards."

The astonished and sad look now made her insecure.

"Litavis... that was 18 months ago."

Shepard's world began to spin. She became terribly dizzy. 18 months? She was missing 18 months? But the Reapers, they had to be here by now. How long had she been here? What had happened? Had everything just felt easier, the new questions almost killed her. Her breathing became more hectic. Suddenly Garrus pulled her in. The commander's head leaned against his chest plates and he just held them.

"Reaper?

"You stopped them. Thanks to you, it's over."

"How... bad?"

"Not now, Litavis. You are still too weakened. When you've recovered a little, I'll tell you everything. But first you have to get well, you hear?"

"So... bad... so..."

The doctor came back in and smiled satisfied. Shepard hopes Garrus didn't have to leave again. After such a long time she felt safe again. The burning sensation in her arm was not welcome after such a long time.


	2. Incubus

**Chapter 2 – incubus**

The next time her eyes opened, she was alone again. Had she only dreamed all this? Had her tormented spirit played a trick on her? Fearfully her hand groped over the place where Garrus must have sit. She was cold. Hartly Shepard pressed her lips together. It had only been a dream. A stupid hope. Tears shot into her eyes again. The pain hit her again. A whimpering sound escaped her.

"Commander Shepard? Keep breathing calmly. It should get better soon."

It didn't get any better. It got even worse. Her chest cramped. She couldn't breathe anymore. The redhead opened her lips and struggled for air. Her whole body seemed to be on fire. Shepard felt a mask on her face. All the machines sounded a shrill alarm. She knew the game. Again doctors showed up in her room. Was it perhaps over now? Did her body reject the new lung? Was she allowed to leave? The doctors spoke hectically with each other. Shepard didn't understand them anymore. Black shadows appeared before her eyes. Her hand cramped into the white sheet. But then she let go. Why still fight? No matter what was true, she was no longer needed. Should her entire crew be dead, she had deserved to die. And should the Reapers really be defeated, she deserved the rest. Litavis fainted. It was no merciful impotence like before. Her body seemed to be torn to pieces. It was so hot. So terribly hot. Her body burned. She felt as if she was breathing in liquid fire. Something cut into her side and shredded her organs. Shepard tried to scream, but no sound came over her lips. An unbearable sound roared in her ears. Something filled her airways and the fire penetrated every fiber of her body. Her skin burned, turned black and disintegrated. She saw naked muscles and bones. Her eyes seemed to be pierced by knives. Then came the blackness. Again and again she experienced this pain. With each new time further injuries came. Crushed bones, limbs that were destroyed by the heat. Her body burnt beyond recognition. Whatever she tried, she could not escape this fate. Litavis fell. How often would her mind survive that?

Suddenly the world became white again. She had to be awake. But there was no relief about it. Hart pressed Shepard's lips together. No breathing tube. So everything was fine with her lungs. Her gaze wandered back and forth. She was alone. Shepard's gaze was on the TV. She needed information. Certainty of what had happened, now. Out of reflex, she lifted the stump of her right arm to operate her Omnitool. A resigned laugh escaped her lips. No arm, no Omnitool. It was that simple. Litavis licked her dry lips. Then it was different. There had to be a control panel somewhere. She discovered it on a table. Again the commander escaped a hoarse laughter. 39 inches and yet it could have been at the other end of the Milky Way. She looked around further. Wasn't there anything she could use to reach her goal? Tears shot into Shepard's eyes. The pain suddenly seemed so ridiculous to her. She knew pain, but this helplessness was new. Shepard heard footsteps again. Slowly she turned her head. It was the Asari again. Litavis laboriously pointed to the television.

"No, Commander. They are not ready for it. I have already violated the will of my colleagues by letting your friend join you. We are worried about your amnesia. You must be patient."

Shepard twisted her eyes. She needed information. She had to know what was going on. Only then did she realize something completely different. Garrus had been here. He had really been here. Relief spread to her again. Nevertheless she pointed again to the television. Suddenly other doctors came in and began to examine her. The bastards treated her like a piece of meat. The specialists talked about her all the time, but not to her. Despite all the pain, Litavis became angry.

"I... can... hear... you... scumbags..."

The amazed looks would have made her smile if she wasn't so weak. The young Asari doctor smiled. Again one of the white coats approached her.

"Don't... touch... me... Chakwas... I want... Chakwas... or... Michel..."

"Commander, we need you..."

"Chakwas... or Michel... out."

Her gaze remained iron. None of them took her seriously. All but her nurse left the room.

"Very good, Commander. I'll give you your meds now and take care of your wish."

The commander flinched as the burning grabbed her arm again. She didn't want to sleep again. She was afraid of it. Ironed tried to fight Shepard against sleep, but she lost that fight.

This time her body was not torn. But she would have preferred it. The roaring was there again. But even worse were the screams. The cries from thousands of throats calling her name. Sometimes despairing, sometimes accusing, sometimes sad. For half an eternity Litavis was trapped in this darkness.

Finally she could open her eyes again. This time she was not alone. Someone held her hand. The red haired woman laboriously turned her head. What the hell did that mean? WHAT THE HELL WAS HE DOING HERE?

"Kai...dan..."

"Litavis, you're awake. How are you?"

"out..."

"What? Litavis, I..."

"Go away..."

"But I..."

"OUT!"

He dared to come here? After Horizon, Alenko dared to come here and hold her hand? He had given her a clear rebuff. He who knew her the best. Angry she looked up at him. When she had needed him, really needed him, he had left her. She had returned from the dead. She had returned to him and he had thrown her away. If there had been only a little strength in her body, then she... yes what? She didn't have many possibilities anymore. When he grabbed her hand again, Shepard activated her Biotic. Her head seemed to burst, bloody tears ran down her cheeks and an iron taste lay down on her tongue. But Kaidan flinched in pain. That had been worth all the agony.

"GET OUT!"

Heavy steps came through the door. Her eyes were blurred. She could barely see.

"You better go human now. My fight master does not want to see you.

"But..."

"She doesn't want to see you. So go, or I'll make you go."

Shepard took a deep breath. Only when she heard the door again did she wipe her eyes.

"Grunt."

"Shepard."

"I'm afraid... the fight master thing is over."

"Ha! You kicked the rappers' ass. You kicked the genophage in the ass, you kicked the illusive man in the ass. There will never be a better fight master."

"What do you mean, ... I... kicked the... genophage... in the ass?"

"A cure Shepard."

"Okay, Grunt. Tell me. Not only am I missing 60% of my limb, I'm missing memories too. So I start with Tuchanka."

The rough laughter of the Krogan had something reassuring. Litavis listened attentively. Finally a few gaps were filled. Despite the physical agony it felt very good. Her conversation was only interrupted when Grunt gave her something to drink or threw the doctors out of their room. Finally he ended.

"So we lost Mordin."

"Yes, fight master."

"He wouldn't have wanted it any other way."

The Asari came back in and stopped as if rooted in front of the Kroganer.

"She's all right, Grunt."

Litavis got her medication again. The Krogan told her that he would guard the door now.

"Woe is there... there... not now... a lot of children... with the name... Shepard..."

Despite the good news, the nightmare kept her firmly under control again and among all these voices she now believed to hear not only Ashley and the deceased of SR1, but also Mordin.


	3. aegrum

**Chapter 3 – aegrum**

The nightmares continued. The painkillers that were supposed to relieve her pain constantly brought her new anguish. Meanwhile at least Dr. Michel was her doctor. Nevertheless, her treatment did not change. Her body had to recover. Litavis didn't want to sleep anymore. She wanted to know more, even if it frightened her. Who else had she lost? Who else had she failed with? Her former crew, Ashley and now Mordin. The Bahak system... how many more had to die? How many billions of souls had suffered? How many had died? Why didn't she get any answers? The doctor did not allow her to talk to Grunt for long. Her mind would not be able to stand that. Her mind could no longer stand it here. Why didn't the doctors listen to her? She had already had to endure a lot. More than many others. Why the hell wasn't she allowed to decide for herself? But she was patronized by everyone. So often she had said that she didn't want to sleep. It was in vain.

One thing had changed. Her hand was warmer. She was apparently no longer alone. Someone was always with her. She thought she felt different hands. When she was awake, but her body was not responding, she tried to guess who had been with her. Garrus was easy to see. Liara had probably been there too, but Shepard certainly couldn't say that. Moaning she finally opened her eyes again. It seemed brighter to her than usual. The comander's eyes wandered to the window. As always she could only see the sky. It was cloudy, grey, but very bright. And it snowed? Litavis absorbed this information. It didn't snow on the Citadel. Immediately she thought about which planet it was snowing on. She was probably on Earth. The door opened again and the Asari came in.

"You're making progress, Comander. Your next operation is coming soon. You will feel weaker again afterwards, but the production of your body must be tackled quickly to achieve the best possible result."

"What... is being done?"

"The specialist can explain this to you better tomorrow."

Great, again no answers. They hissed and sucked in the air as the well-known burning grabbed her arm. She looked at the doctor imploringly. She didn't want to sleep again. Please don't. Not back into the darkness. Not the screaming again.

She walked through the darkness. It was hot. She was sweating. From every direction marker-shattering cries resounded. Litavis knew that any attempt to escape was futile. She continued calmly. If she stopped, she would fall. Shepard found the feeling of falling even worse. So she forced herself to continue quietly, just keep going. Deeper into the darkness. From time to time a bright light shone from afar. The redhead had given up on running. Shortly before she reached it, it disappeared. Always. There was not much she could do here. Just waiting. Run and wait. The screams became louder. They would continue to rise. So long, until she tried to cover her ears, which would bring nothing. If she thought she could no longer stand it, it would become quiet. So quiet that she would hear her own blood rushing. Then the worst would come. The screams of families and friends. She would relive all her losses. Shortly before she broke she would wake up again. Just hold on. There was nothing more to do. Just hold on. Become awake, fall asleep again and hold out again. That was her life now. Every day from the front. If only her body were not so weak. She could wake up more time. That could help.

It took a long time. This time she was in this place for a very long time. Much too long. Suddenly she was bathed in blue light again. Her body was torn apart. Especially her right arm was a single torture. The skin turned grey. Shreds came off and grey, burnt muscles appeared. Like a husk, it shot through her head. Tears formed in Shepard's eyes and she screamed. She screamed in pure agony. Something cut into the already maltreated flesh. A hot blade cut into her elbow, cut flesh and bones. Shepard heard muffled voices. Finally it was over. She felt nothing more. Everything around her disappeared. Nothing existed anymore.

Fluttering, her eyes opened. It was still snowing. Either she hadn't been away long or it hadn't stopped at all. Her gaze turned to the ceiling again. This time the pain came back immediately. The center was the stump of her right arm. She lacked the strength to move her head. Phantom pain. That's what they called it. There was nothing that could hurt. After all, a large part was missing.

"Shepard, you are awake."

Surprised huge Litavis their eyes open. Quickly her eyes scurried to the right. Her lips opened trembling, but no sound came out. That was Miranda.

"Quite calmly, Shepard. Everything is fine. You survived the operation well. Your new right arm looks great. I restore you. Like before. Don't worry about it. We'll all take care of you."

A gentle hand drove over her cheek. So a new arm. That probably explained the pain. When her body was restored she didn't have to sleep so much anymore. The sleep was worse than the pain could ever be. Fearfully Litavis's eyes widened. Miranda pulled up a syringe.

"No fear. Those are only your medicines, so that you can sleep. You already know them. I am sorry that it burns in such a way.

A painfull sound came over the lips of the Redhead. Please do not. Please, please, please not. She didn't want that. She couldn't do that. Her limit had been reached. PLEASE!

"Shepard, what's going on? You'll feel better afterwards. You know by now that you can trust me."

The commander's eyes were anxiously stuck to the syringe.

"Does it hurt that bad?"

Litavis closed once the eyes and looked at Miranda then directly.

"Once for no... will it make you sick?"

Again a no.

"Okay... then... nightmares?"

Yes. Yes, damn it. Terrible dreams that tore her soul to shreds.

"Wait a minute, I'll get another medicine. Maybe that's better."

Snorting, Shepard dulled her eyes. Wait a minute? No, she'd get up and take a walk. Very bad joke, Miranda. Finally the dark-haired came again.

"We're trying this now. If it doesn't get better, we'll try something else. We'll find a way for you to recover. If necessary, we'll put you in an artificial coma."

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you. The burning was much worse this time. It didn't matter. The prospect of a dreamless sleep alone was worth the pain. And this time her sleep was peaceful. When Shepard opened her eyes she felt better. More rested. Miranda examined her right arm. Red scars covered the skin. Almost like a shining tattoo. Litavis knew the picture. The first look in the mirror after her death had been a shock. But in comparison to it...

"Frankenstein's bride..." it came soundlessly over the dry lips.

Miranda looked at them almost already dismayed, laughed then however.

"That becomes already, Comander. We worry about your appearance if it is better for you. How did you sleep?"

"Good..."

"You look a lot better yourself."

"Liar. I saw the arm..."

The dark-haired woman laughed again.

"Oh, Shepard. Don't worry about it. You must now become stronger again. Liara is constantly searching for everything we need to get you fit again and Tali gets the Quarians to turn the whole flotilla upside down. I'm surprised that she hasn't dug up Rannoch yet."

"Rannoch? The Quarians are on Rannoch?"

"Quietly, Shepard. That has time."

"No. Miranda, what happened?"

"Really, Comander. You need to sleep now."

No, damn it, she didn't have to. She didn't have to sleep again, she had just slept. With the renewed burning, Litavis knew that she had lost this fight. She was asleep. This time it seemed like a very long sleep to her. Her eyelids weighed tons. Somebody moved her right arm. That hurt like hell. At the same time she felt a pleasant warmth and a light weight on her left hand.

"The mobility is optimal. The wound heals well. As soon as it is stronger we can start with the first exercises."

"Good."

Okay, one voice belonged to the Asari she nursed and the other belonged to...

"Garrus?"

"Litavis, with the spirits, you are awake. How are you?"

"Fucked."

Shepard waited until the doctor had left the room before slowly opening her eyes.

"We don't have much time before they knock me out again. Tell me about Rannoch."

"Litavis, you don't want me to tell you anything. They said that could be dangerous for you."

"Garrus, that's an order."

With a quiet laugh he began to tell her everything. The war between the Quarians and the Geth. The intervention of the Reapers, the rescue of Koris, their joining in the consensus of the Geth, the destruction of the Reaper and finally the peace between Quarians and Geth.

"Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy... sounds good."

Garrus gently squeezed her hand.

"And I thought you wondered more about peace."

"After the healing of the genophag, almost nothing surprises me anymore."

Tenderly he stroked a strand from her face.

"Garrus, who else have we lost?"

"Shepard, I..."

"Garrus, who else have we lost?"

"Mordin, Legion, Thane and Anderson. I'm so sorry, Shepard."

Tears formed in their eyes. No... no, please don't. Quickly she blinked.

"It's ok, I wanted to know."


	4. omittere?

**Chapter 4 – omittere?**

By now, her body had been restored. She had a new arm and two new legs. Unfortunately, that didn't mean Shepard was complete again. Her new limbs hung on her like dead flesh. She had feelings, but she couldn't move the new body parts. It was devastating. She didn't have to sleep all the time, but the constant therapies weren't much better. The pain was unbearable. And all this brought nothing at all. She could not even move a toe. Litavis breathed out furiously. Miranda and Garrus looked regularly after her. Grunt almost did not leave the hospital any more. The young Krogan in front of the door was the reason why the redhead didn't scream in pain. Too gladly the commander would have done exactly that. Her pain and frustration screamed out, but the danger that Grunt stormed in and tore the therapists to pieces was simply too great. Even if it would have increased her mood from time to time. Once again, Commander. Just once more. They've done it in a minute. Not at all. Nothing she had managed. Nothing at all. Her limbs hung down on her like dead flesh. She would have to be patient. Bullshit. Finally she was left alone. She hated being here. Shepard felt isolated. Always the same faces and nobody wanted to tell her anything. Litavis had to squeeze every piece of information out of her friends. Actually only from Garrus. Miranda was too busy with her treatment. Grunt could not help her. He had not been there. He could only tell her about her mission on Utukku. So the Rachni were still out there. She had saved the queen and not Company Aralakh. Grunt had agreed to her decision. The victory had proved her right. The door opened and Litavis got her food. The stuff tasted terrible. What was even worse was the attempt to eat. With her left hand she had fed her ear at the beginning. Now it was still terribly difficult. It took her a long time. Longer than she liked. Shepard was used to eating fast. Often she hadn't had much time to eat and now... what she had done in ten minutes now lasted half an hour. Often enough she gave up resignedly. She had to eat to become stronger, but it was too heavy. Angrily she threw the spoon away. That was degrading. Disgusted, Litavis pushed the food away. A dance with a husk was easier than this. Finally the remains were cleared away. Miranda would be informed of course. This would threaten her then again with artificial nutrition. Litavis didn't care at all. Her left arm was unsuitable around to eat, swallowing hurt and her stomach was simply no longer used to solid food. When the door opened Shepard already prepared herself for a harangue, but it was not Miranda.

"Liara, nice to see you."

"Shepard!"

Litavis was hugged. Firmly she pressed the Asari to herself. Her friend cried. The redhead felt a wave of gratitude within her. She had forbidden herself to cry since the news of Thane and Anderson's death. Her friend clung sobbing to her. It took some time for the other woman to calm down.

"Everything is okay, Liara. I'm still here."

"I know... actually I'm here to encourage you."

Now Shepard had to laugh quietly.

"That was always my job. I have nothing to do here. It's nice that you give me something to do."

Liara retired and took a seat on the chair next to her bed. Quickly the Asari wiped her eyes and clung to her healthy hand. She looked exhausted. Not only tired, but really exhausted.

"How are you, Liara?"

"I am tired. There is so much to do."

"What is everything?

"Shepard, I..."

"Liara, please. I'm being kept completely isolated here. They don't tell me anything. Nothing at all. How can I remember anything when I only see white walls? What's to help me here somehow? My body doesn't obey me, I have pain and all I get is information about my health. I am going mad, Liara. You know me. Without the necessary background I could run amok. I become more and more unbearable. Please, I have to know. I just have to. Leave out the personal, but give me something, anything."

"Okay, Shepard."

Finally Litavis learned something. She learned everything. The jump through the Omega 4 portal, the destruction of the collector base, its detention, the attack of the Reapers on Earth, Mars, the Citadel, Menea, Palavan, Sur'Kesh, the Grissom Academy, Utukku, Tuchanka, Udinas coup attempt, the discovery of a Prothean, Rannoch, Thessia, Horizon, the Cerberus headquarters and then Earth. What had happened to their team, how they had lost whom, everything about the war. Only the end was a mystery to everyone. The commander became dizzy. Her skull almost exploded. She swallowed hard. Meanwhile it had become dark outside. She got her dinner brought and sighed already annoyed.

"Would you leave me alone for a moment? I'd like to spare you that sight and me the shame."

"I could help you."

"Please, Liara. There is not much left of my dignity. Almost nothing, to be exact. Please leave me the last remnant."

"Of course, Shepard."

As soon as she had seized the spoon Miranda came in.

"I know I don't eat enough. It hurts and I get nauseous."

Directly the reproachful look became a worried one.

"Do you need painkillers?"

Did she need that? Yes, damn it. Litavis wanted more painkillers. She wanted more of them. Didn't want to feel the pain of her dead body any longer. Sleep longer again and escape the shit here. Just forget all that crap for a few hours. Above all she didn't want any more nightmares.

"Something for the nausea would be good. And a fork. I'm not a damn kid anymore."

With a nod the dark-haired woman left the room. Before she returned, Shepard had managed to lead this hated spoon ten times to her mouth. Ten bites in two minutes. New record. She would have liked to have thrown the whole tray against the wall. Miranda handed her the needed and disappeared again. After further ten minutes the commander gave up. It was enough for her. Liara came in again and they conversed still for a while, about the work of the Asari. The reconstruction would probably take years. Who would have thought that Tuchanka did not perform badly compared to other planets? Finally her friend had to leave. Litavis looked out into the night and sighed softly. Now she had to sleep. She knew that she was haunted by nightmares every night. The next morning she couldn't remember anything, but she was sweating wet every time.

This morning it was the same. She woke up sweating. The nurses came in and lifted her out of bed to put it on again. Then she was washed and had her breakfast. Shepard hated every moment of it. She was helpless like an infant. Completely at the mercy of others... Every damn tomorrow she had to fight down the panic and force herself to breathe quietly. At least she was dressed normally again by now. No longer these terrible OP shirts, but her usual N7 tracksuit. It's strange how such small things could become so important. As soon as she had breakfast, the first therapy began. It ran like every time. Nothing happened. Glowing pain, through dead flesh. That was all Litavis had from the exercises. That was by far not the worst therapy. Much more annoying were the psychologists who visited her constantly. The same questions and hollow phrases all the time. In the beginning she had really made an effort. Thought it would do any good, but her head remained empty. Now she was fed up. She had already tried several times to throw these people out. But as always they did not take the doctors seriously. Again anger was boiling up in Shepard. Since there was only one possibility left for her, she took it now.

"GRUNT!

The Krogan stormed in immediately and threw the therapists out.

"Thank you, Grunt."

"Gladly, fight master. Frightening tiny people is fun."

He stopped next to her bed and looked at her.

"I look pathetic. I know."

"You are a human being, fight master. And even Krogan would have hardly survived these wounds."

She would probably only get closer to a compliment from him again. Smiling, she looked after him and sank back into the pillows. Surprised, she looked at him when he came back with a wheelchair and put her in it. It was almost cute how tender he was with her. He set her feet straight and put her right arm on the armrest. He quickly laid the blanket over her and pushed her outside.

"Only lying, makes weak."

Shepard became dizzy. Sitting was very exhausting for her circulation. The thought of coming out once made it all more bearable. Nobody stood in their way. Which, with Grunt, would probably have amounted to a suicide squad. She blinked hard. The snow dazzled. Greedily Litavis sucked in the fresh air. It was cold, bitterly cold, but exactly that was perfect. It all seemed so peaceful. The commander's gaze wandered around. She saw no destruction. Nothing that would remind you of a war.

"Where are we, Grunt?"

"Somewhere in Canada. A small town not affected by the war. An Alliance hospital."

Her lungs were sucking the air deeper and deeper. Clear, fresh air. Simply wonderful. The eyes kept the redhead closed and focused only on her breathing. Often someone would come out and try to bring the patient back in. Nobody could get past Grunt. The commander smiled. Very childish that it seemed like a victory to her. Just enjoy. That's all she wanted to do. This brief moment made Shepard forget the shame of this morning. Slowly she began to tremble.

"Battlemaster?"

"Not yet, Grunt."

Her voice trembled, but this time with relief. Then they had to go back in. Grunt put her back to bed. And silently left the room again. That was the pleasant thing about the Krogan. He didn't talk all the time. He was just there. This trip had put her under a lot of strain. So the commander slept almost the whole day. She was only woken up for dinner.

This small elation was now a month ago. Litavis resigned from day to day more. There was no progress. Not the tiniest one. Her courage sank. Neither physically nor mentally there was any change. She would have loved to scream. Just screaming. The anger and the despair simply breathed air, but even for that she now lacked the strength. Slowly the question of whether her survival was a stroke of luck appeared more and more often in her head. Psychologists and psychiatrists came by more and more often. Shepard simply ignored them. Miranda kept talking at her. It became meanwhile only a disturbing background noise. Couldn't they just leave her alone? She tried to remember. Something. Anderson. Nobody knew how Anderson had died. She owed it to her old friend. She just had to remember it. His last moments. What if he had given her a message? If somewhere his family was waiting for his last words? What if the danger wasn't over? Hard bit Shepard's lips. Tears of rage burned in her eyes. Don't cry. She didn't want to cry anymore. Miranda came in again and brought her this time the food. That fell her now more easily. No reason to be happy. The dark-haired one stared at her suddenly.

"Shepard, your right pointer finger has moved. That is unbelievable."

"Great, my finger twitched."

"Shepard, this is a hell of a leap forward."

"Oh? Is that it? So I can look forward to that now? That's what my life looks like now? I'm happy about the twitching of a finger?"

"I know that it doesn't seem like much to you. But..."

"You don't know! That's bullshit!"

"You can't give up."


	5. reditio

**Chapter 5 – reditio**

Shepard gasped heavily. Her whole body was wet with sweat. Her lungs were burning and her hands trembled with effort. Resigned, she stared at the punching bag. It swung uncontrollably back and forth. Panting, the redhead wiped her forehead. She had been secretly leaving her room for a month now. Her right arm was still weak and she had no fine motor skills. But it was enough to operate a wheelchair. At the beginning Litavis had driven through the hospital. She had explored the building and searched for information. Every night she sneaked up on a computer and saw messages. Then her way led her to the training room. She preferred to train alone. All the therapists drove the commander crazy. She was also able to escape the psychologists and psychiatrists. She simply slept through her sessions. Miranda was not very enthusiastic. The discussions with the experts would be important. Bullshit. They did not help her further. Her memories did not come back. Nothing happened at all. She had broken the isolation because she had to. Shepard hoped that the pictures in the news would trigger something in her. She had looked at everything from the war by now. It hadn't triggered anything in her. Even her interviews on Battlespace had not triggered anything. At least physically she made progress. Not as she wished, but at least something. Her legs were still hanging like dead weight on her, but her right arm was starting to do something. Grimly she struck. That brought nothing. After each blow she had to stop. With a partner it would be easier. These idiots didn't let her train the way she wanted. Litavis set off on the way back. Getting back to bed was always a struggle. Especially when her right arm suddenly gave way because he couldn't hold her weight anymore. Panting, she had finally made it. A shower would have been nice, but that was still not possible for her alone. Exhausted, the commander closed her eyes and fell asleep.

After a short time she was woken again. The food was brought to her and after that her bed was re-covered. Shepard smiled gently as Kashari entered the room. The young Asari took care of her from the beginning. Often enough she disagreed with her colleagues and became more and more successful. Litavis took fresh things directly from the cupboard. With Kashari she entered the bathroom. The redhead was grateful to the Asari for giving her time. It was still hard for her to be dependent on help. Being helpless, defenseless, at the mercy of someone simply caused a feeling of panic. Silently, Shepard was undressed and sat on the chair in the shower. Smiling, her nurse left the room. She was the only one who respected her privacy. Enjoying, the commander closed her eyes. Warm water on her skin was a very pleasant feeling. She reached for the shampoo and started washing her hair. It had become much longer. Shepard didn't know if she liked it yet. After half an hour she was finally ready. The Asari came back in and handed her a towel. She needed help getting dressed again. Again in bed her mood sank towards zero. The idiots were there again. Time for her to sleep.

Finally it was night again. The redhead got into her wheelchair and drove directly into the training room. Surprised, Shepard looked up. Damn, she was discovered. Now her trips would probably be over. Trouble was rising in her. That could not be true. It had cost her so much effort to fight for this freedom and now it was over. Just like that.

"Kashari, what are you doing here?"

"I thought to myself that you were here, commander. You seem to be feeling better. You are getting stronger. And I've always doubted that the therapies would work."

"And now?"

Laughing, the Asari went to the punching bag and held him tight.

"Now I'll help you. I was always against the isolation and also that they always ignore the wishes of the patients annoys me."

Laughing Litavis drove to the training device. They trained the whole night. Kashari helped her with the shower after the training. It gave her back a piece of normality. She had always trained a lot and now she could do it again. Every night they met for training. Not only her bodies were now strained. The Asari also took care of her biotic and brought her pictures of people she had met during the war. From time to time they also left the hospital and just walked through the small park. Shepard needed this change. The fact that she did not make any progress mentally burdened her more and more.

Tired, the redhead blinked. Something had awakened her. Was it mealtime again? Her gaze darkened.

"Kaidan? What are you doing here? Didn't I make it clear that I don't want to see you?"

"Litavis, please listen to me."

"No. You have no right to show up here when I have to listen to you. Get out of here."

"Please. I just want to apologize to you."

"And I don't want to hear that. I have enough to do with myself and I don't see how I can take care of your guilty conscience now."

"I... you are right."

"Good, then go now."

"Can't I stay a little longer? Only briefly."

"What for?"

"You shouldn't be alone."

A dry laugh escaped her. Was he serious? Whatever drugs he took, she needed the stuff too.

"Lieutenant..."

"Major."

"Fine with me. Major, I don't need you here. Go and help with the reconstruction. Make yourself useful."

She turned away from him and closed her eyes. Shepard felt him put his hand on her bed. She stood asleep. She really lacked the strength for that. She couldn't and didn't want to do that now. He still stayed for some time. Shortly before he left he breathed a kiss on her head. Only with difficulty could she hold herself back. What was this guy thinking?

The next day someone sat at her bed again. Litavis looked at the figure.

"James Vega? What are you doing here?"

"Commander, do you recognize me?"

"No. I've seen pictures and remembered your face."

"Too bad, commander."

"That sounds wrong."

"What?"

"That sounds wrong. Something tells me you've seldom called me that."

"That's right, Lola."

"Lola, hmmm? That sounds better."

"I replaced Grunt. The little one was hungry."

"I'm not quite sure there's any spicy noodles here."

"He'll find something."

"You should not be here. What about your N7 training?"

Surprised he looked at her and also Shepard was astonished.

"You... agreed, didn't you? The tattoo..."

"Lola, you remember something!"

"Yes. Yes, I remembered. Shit, that feels good."

He hugged her laughing. Shepard herself was still much too surprised to react. Miranda came in and looked at them stunned.

"Lola has remembered what!"

"Shepard, really?"

"Yes. It was just there when I looked at James."

"That's great."

"Miranda, if James really triggered this, then I have to get out of here. I need input."

"We could do it with videos..."

"I already tried. That didn't do any good. I have to leave this hospital. Let me be embarrassed. I have to go somewhere, where something is going on."

"Lola is right. She's always good, but she's just the best in the middle of a mission."

Shepard was excited. She was on her way to the Citadel. This was rebuilt and were brought to her old place. Miranda had organized her transfer. Only she should remain on the earth, however, Litavis had never spent much time on the earth. On Mindoir there was no possibility really to cure her, thus remained the Citadel. Something familiar. She had an apartment there. Anderson had given it to her. Gently she began to tremble. A very strong arm lay around her upper body and lifted her slightly. Thankfully, the redhead looked at Grunt. He didn't leave her side any more and of course had come with her. Just like Miranda and Kashari. Grunt was glad to be able to leave the earth. Miranda had to accompany them of course and the Asari had to be moved extra to be able to maintain them further. Finally they had arrived. Their first way led them to the Huerta hospital. Suddenly she stopped.

"Shepard, what's going on?"

"Here I met Thane again... In one of the rooms back there he is... he died there..."

She took a deep breath. She fought down the tears. The pain struck her as it did then. Mourning rose in her. Litavis breathed deeply.

"I go to announce us. Then we'll take you home."

"Grunt, do me a favor and go eat properly. Part of your unit is supposed to be here, too."

"Are you sure, fight master?"

"Absolutely sure. Go ahead."

After they were registered, they made their way to their apartment. Shepard stopped in front of the door.

"Give me a few minutes alone."

"Of course, commander. We'll get some food and then come back."

"Thank you."

Litavis drove through the door and looked around. Nothing seemed familiar to her. She just suddenly had a melody in her ear that she didn't know how she knew. She crossed the entire ground floor, but the memories failed to come back. Suddenly she heard footsteps from the stairs and turned around.

"Garrus!"

The Turian hurried to her and embraced her.

"Litavis, with the spirits. What are you doing here?"

"I was transferred here and don't have to stay in the hospital anymore. The therapy is done on an outpatient basis. Didn't you get my message?"

"No, I did not. Good that you are here."

Shepard laughed quietly. She looked at the Turian. She had rarely seen him in plain clothes. He looked good. Though a little thinner than usual. Gently she pressed him. The commander went into the kitchen. Her neck was dry. She urgently needed something to drink. Resigned, she looked up. The cupboards were much too high. Garrus stepped by her side and handed her a glass. She accepted it gratefully. Litavis had never noticed how high everything was here. Sizzling she sucked in the air. The long sitting slowly got to her.

"Everything okay?"

"Yes, just a little knocked out. The long quiet sitting just got to me."

She drove to the couch. That could be difficult. Shepard was just thinking about how she could best do it, when she was already lifted up. He put her on the sofa and put her legs up.

"Thank you."

"Gladly."

Without further ado he sat down beside her and began to massage her legs. That felt great. Somehow familiar. Sighing the eyes closed and relaxed more and more. Slowly the pain subsided. His body temperature was clearly higher than hers. Surprised, she looked up as he took off her shoes and massaged her feet.

"Your legs are all cold."

"Well, cooler. Not cold. If they were cold, I'd have to go back to the hospital."

After a few minutes he got up and got her a blanket.

"Garrus?"

"Yes, Litavis?"

"This is my apartment. What are you doing here?"


	6. nota

**Chapter 6 – nota**

"I... um..."

Is he wanking her eyes? Was he uncomfortable? Did she say something wrong? Why was he so insecure now? Shepard bent forward and tenderly drove over the scarred half of the Turian's face.

"Hey, Garrus. It's okay. Just tell me."

His mandibles twitched. He was completely insecure.

"The primarch wanted me on the Citadel to help the ambassador. I didn't know where to go and you said I could come here any time. Then I thought..."

"It's okay. You can stay as long as you want. There is enough space."

"Thank you, Litavis."

He hid something from her. The redhead was very sure of that. Just as he always spoke to her with her first name. What happened between them? He had said nothing. Shepard sighed softly. Before jumping through the Omega 4 portal, she had flirted with Garrus. And he had also responded. But... her skull boomed. She didn't know what had happened between them. However, Kaidan behaved differently towards her too. Supposedly she had forgiven him and they had fought together against the Reapers. Only she would be able to believe that she had put her feelings in the background. The redhead held her head.

"Litavis, is everything okay?"

"Yes. I'm fine. It was probably just a lot. I guess I should just lie down."

Before she knew it, he jumped up and took her back in his arms. Without any problems he carried her up the stairs.

"Um, Garrus... that's really sweet of you, but with the wheelchair it would probably be better if I took the bedroom downstairs."

"I'll carry the wheelchair right up. You should sleep at least one night in your own bed. Besides, the bathroom is bigger up here."

Carefully she was put on the bed. Smiling, she looked at the Turian. It was strange. She gladly accepted help from him. As soon as he came back with her wheelchair, she sat down. He wanted to follow her. But she held him back.

"Garrus, I don't need any help there."

"Oh... I... um... excuse me."

He quickly left her bedroom. Smiling, Litavis drove into the bathroom. Damn it. That was impossible alone. She urgently needed a help mech. It rang. Miranda and Kashari came in. Shepard stood above at the area and looked down. Smiling the Asari came above and helped her. She had of course already ordered a Mech. Finally she lay in bed. The day had been really exhausting.

She woke up early the next morning. She turned on the news and fought her way into the wheelchair. It took her ten minutes in the bathroom. Finally Shepard left her bedroom. Now a coffee. Disgruntled, she stopped at the stairs. Damn, she hadn't thought of that at all. What did she do now?

"Garrus?"

"Already here."

He came up from below and just lifted her up again. Within a minute she was down.

"Thank you, Garrus. Soon I should also get a Mech. Then you don't have to carry me anymore."

"I'm happy to do that."

Smiling, she drove into the kitchen and was astonished. The Turian had moved the kitchen. She could make her coffee without any problems and without being dependent on help. Litavis opened the fridge and was amazed again. Her food was all classified below.

"Will you eat with me? I have a strict diet plan that I have to stick to. If I don't put on weight again, they'll put me back in hospital."

"Sure."

They made breakfast together and Garrus carried everything into the living room. The table in the kitchen was just too high for the wheelchair.

"How's your family, Garrus?"

"They're back on Palavan helping with the construction."

"Your sister's leg healed well?"

"Uh... yes..."

"Well, one more reminder."

Shepard rubbed his temple.

"I think it's a memory. My skull always booms then."

He grabbed her hand and pressed it tenderly.

"I'm sorry it hurts. But that your memories are coming back is good."

"Yes it is."

They ate together before Litavis was picked up by Kashari. Only tonight she would come back.

Shepard spent the whole day training. She was stuck in an exoskeleton and hung in a few ropes. Her legs were moving on the treadmill and she also supported herself. Sweat ran down from her back. Her breath was heavy and her muscles were burning. The other therapists wanted her to stop two hours ago. Kashari let her go on as usual. Finally her arms gave way. She was at the end. Panting, she stood there and wiped her forehead. The Asari took her out of the rack and helped her shower.

"Shall we have some more dinner, Commander?"

"I think I'll go home and eat something there. I'm just too ready right now. Tomorrow gladly."

"Good. Your Mech is there too. He'll accompany you home."

"Thank you, Kashari."

Shepard made her way back to her apartment. The mech behind her already made her nervous. Finally arrived she breathed a sigh of relief.

"Garrus, I'm home."

"Welcome back. Coffee is ready and I've already made us something to eat. I looked at your nutrition plan. I hope that was all right."

"You don't have to go to such lengths."

"That is no effort. I just hope it tastes good".

"I didn't even know you could cook."

"It's enough to survive."

A picture of Kaidan in her kitchen suddenly appeared in front of her. For a moment she pulled her face in pain and drove to the sofa. The Mech hurried up and put her into action.

"I always have the urge to shoot the thing's head off."

Garrus laughed quietly and brought her plates with her. During the meal they watched the news again.

"Everything okay, Litavis? You're so quiet."

"Yeah... I just realized how much I missed."

"Your memories are coming back, Litavis. Absolutely sure."

"I don't mean that. The war has been over for over a year now. That is, I was in hospital for eleven months and could do nothing at all. Not that I had been a great help..."

"Litavis, you were there. When the news spread that you had been found, alive, the whole Milky Way rejoiced. Only you could survive something like that. You gave everyone hope. You were already a symbol during the war and then you became a much greater one."

"Beautiful symbol. Already battered and defective."

"Don't say that!"

He pulled her tight and held her with him. Did he tremble? Tired Litavis leaned against him. It was good to be held like this. Without noticing she had fallen asleep.

A week had passed since then. Shepard sat in Apollo's and waited. She sipped her beer. Nobody noticed her and she liked it. The commander had no training today. She should recover and just today it came very convenient. She began to smile when a familiar figure came up to her.

"Admiral Tali'Zorah vas Normandy. Good to see you."

"Shepard!"

Very carefully she was embraced. Was already cute. She was probably the most careful of all. Tali had always been very emphatic. The redhead pointed to the empty chair. Still nobody noticed her. Quarians seemed to be seen now gladly.

"How are you, Tali?

"Good. I have so much to do at the moment. A main problem is the food supply of some peoples. The Turians are very dependent on us."

"I hope you won't let the others forget what you are doing for them. After all, you don't have to do that. Not that they helped you at any time."

Tali laughed out loud.

"Don't worry, Shepard. I learned a lot from you. We like to help. After all, we are one of the few people who have suffered less from the reapers."

"And now you tell me how you are. Personally".

"I am tired and have a guilty conscience."

"Why?"

"Shepard, you've been back for a year. They found you and I wasn't even there."

"Hey, you were busy. You had very important things to do. Besides, I know I owe you and Liara my new body."

"But... I should have been with you."

"You did what you could. Besides, you are here now."

"Thank you, Shepard. You always know what to say."

"I improvise. When I ask you strange questions, don't be surprised. My memories are still rudimentary."

"I'm sorry about that."

"Don't be. I'm starting to feel that it's harder for my friends than it is for me."

Again she drank from her beer. They had been talking for almost three hours now and Shepard felt very free with Tali. Almost like with Garrus. She didn't treat her like an invalid. Tali just started talking and didn't care much about her memory gaps. Every question was answered directly by her. Without hesitation and without a guilty conscience.

"Hey, there's Kaidan back there."

Litavis twisted her eyes.

"What's going on?"

"Lost memory. Shortly before the Omega 4 portal, afterwards there is nothing more with me. His excuse that we got along or not, that's all gone. The last memory of him is anger and disappointment."

"Oh... you really don't know anything anymore?"

"No. The Reaper War is... well. Simply away. Every now and then shreds come up, but otherwise there is only emptiness."

"Oh, then you don't remember any more..."

"Not anymore, huh?"

"I shouldn't tell you. After all, it is your decision. I don't want to dictate anything to you."

"What have I forgotten? What have I forgotten so important?

"Your boyfriend..."


	7. nullus Angelus

**Chapter 7 – nullus angelus**

A boyfriend? She had a boyfriend? She had a relationship? During the war? That was impossible. Well, not really. If she had expected death anyway, why not take that risk? But with whom? Someone she trusted. Jakob and Steve were excluded. One was married, the other definitely not interested in her. Since Tali had spoken of a boyfriend and not of a girlfriend, Kelly, Liara and Samantha also dropped out. But there were still more than enough possibilities. Grunt ruled them out. Javik, the protheant, no impossible. Thane, she should at least remember the beginning. She and the Drell had been good friends, but not anymore. What about Kolyat? But... no, rather unlikely. After the death of his father he had certainly had other worries. After longer consideration she had three more possibilities. Garrus, James or Kaidan. Really great. Whoever it was, she hurt him. By not remembering, she inflicted pain on him. Fucking hell! That could not be true, could it? Litavis racked his brain. That Kaidan was looking for her closeness would therefore be logical. That Garrus lived with her, however, also. Nothing helped. No memories came up. Nothing helped. She had to ask. Tali had to tell her. She had caused enough pain in her life. The man who loved her did not and should not suffer from her. Just as she opened her mouth to ask her good friend, Kaidan stood beside the table. The chance was now wasted.

"Hello Tali, good to see you."

"Hello, Kaidan. How are you?"

"Quite well and with you?"

That could not be true. Now he also sat down. Shepard drank from her beer. She looked out. Somehow it seemed familiar to her. She looked briefly at Kaidan and her head began to boom.

_She entered the cafe and discovered Kaidan at a table. Smiling, she walked towards him. She sat down._

_"Suprised, this place can still gut supplies for a menu like that."_

_"Maybe it's better if we don't ask how... or where."_

_"I'm glad we're taking the time to do this. I could use a sanity check."_

_"Things have been pretty crazy."_

_"You know, my life flashed in front of my eyes on Mars. And there weren't enough moments like this, with people I care about."_

_He looked very depressed. Like he would regret most of his life._

_"How are you feeling this days?"_

_"Feeling up whatever the reapers throwing me. And grateful that I convinced you to sit down for half a second and relax."_

_"Yeah, I think it's good time for us to have a heart-to-hear. What are you drinking?"_

_The way he smiled at her now. At least he visibly relaxed. That was good. They also had to relax once in a while._

_"If you trying to butter me up it might take a nice steak sandwich, too."_

_"So..."_

_She reached for the map and studied it._

_"Shot of a whiskey and a good old Canadian lager. Think they have it?"_

_Unfortunately she had to disappoint him._

_"More likely they have Batarian shard wine..."_

_"At my parents place in Vancouver I drank more than a few beers on their balcony looking over English Bay. Yeah, beautiful view... "_

_As beautiful as these memories were, they hurt. But Kaidan wouldn't be himself if he gave in to those feelings for too long._

_"You know what I though? I feel good about our chances."_

_"Yeah?"_

_"Yeah. Let's me sleep better at night."_

_And already she was worried again._

_"You not sleeping, Kaidan?"_

_"Maybe a little restless..."_

_Worried, she looked at him. He avoided her gaze._

_"The war isn't the only thing keeping me up at night... I wonder about us."_

_"Us?"_

_Now he looked directly at her. He looked straight into her eyes and his expression was full of longing._

_"I love you, Shepard. I always have. I want to understand what this is between us... and make it real. That's what I want. What do you want? "_

_He grabbed her hand._

A light pressure on her hand frightened her. Sizzling, she sucked in the air and pressed her hands against her temples. Tormented, she pinched her eyes together.

"Shepard!"

"Litavis!"

Calming, she raised one hand, but kept her eyes closed. She tried to breathe deeply. Her head was a single pain. Her heart pounded in her chest. The blood was rushing in her ears. Each of them grabbed one of her hands and held it. But Litavis pulled them back again. Touching was just not helpful. The first wave of pain was over and she relaxed. Slowly the redhead opened her eyes. She looked into the worried faces. Actually, she would have smiled encouragingly, but the pain was simply too great. Her throat was dust-dry. Trembling she dumped her beer.

"Calm down. It works again. That happens from time to time. Don't worry."

With her Omnitool she sent her Mech to get something to drink. He came back with a water, two whiskeys and a drink for Tali. Litavis first drank her water.

"Now stop looking at me like that. It works again. I'm used to that now. Not so long, but it'll clear up every time."

"Shepard, does this happen every day?"

"Not every day, no. Whenever memories reappear. Individual pictures, short fragments of conversation, information that I suddenly have, but don't know where from. Not exactly helpful, but progress."

"What did you remember?"

"Kaidan! That's none of our business. Shepard just said what it's like for her. Leave it alone."

"But..."

"Leave it alone, Alenko. I won't tell you. And now let's have a drink."

They spent a few more hours in the cafe until Shepard finally said goodbye. She was much more independent with the Mech. She was happy that Kaidan was still being held up by Tali. He had actually wanted to accompany her, but the Quarian had involved him in a conversation. In the Skycar she was thinking all the time with whom she had had a relationship. Kaidan had confessed his love to her. But... she could... she had forgiven him and...? No. No, she just couldn't imagine that. He had been badly wounded and she had been worried. That was believable. But he had aimed a gun at her. She had had to persuade him first. He hadn't trusted her, so why should she? What if they did with Thane... they had understood each other well. Very well even. They both knew their own death. They had both assumed that they would not live much longer. She had organized a funeral for him. But if Thane had been her partner, the others would have told her something. So it had to be someone else. Nervously Shepard chewed on her lower lip. Why didn't they let her know? She could have screamed.

She had finally arrived at her apartment. She knew Garrus hadn't arrived yet. So she sank down in a wheelchair. She always tried to stay upright. She was Comander, fucking Shepard. A goddamn symbol. Often enough she was compared to an angel. Bullshit. She had been a relentless warrior. Bullshit, too. She had been a soldier. That point, had been. Now she was nothing more of it. And certainly not a fucking angel. Now that she was alone, she was allowed to give in to her weakness. Litavis was tired. She was all so tired. She breathed deeply. With the help of her mech she took a shower. Exhausted she sank onto her bed. Like every day she saw the news again. But this time something else attracted her attention. There were played video messages on her terminal. Shepard took a deep breath and played the news. That was Thane. She smiled and cried at the same time. It was selfish, but she wished he was here now. He would have told her everything from the beginning. He knew how precious every second was and how... how empty you felt when you woke up. Just like him, she had now resurrected twice. It had something comforting. She was not alone and it was doable. Finally she let herself be carried down again. Garrus had cooked for her so many times, it was time to return the favor. Thanks to her electronic help she also got his food. Fortunately, there were enough recipes on the extranet. Hopefully it tasted good to him. In case of need, he had to season. Shepard also did this more often. Secretly, of course. At least he tried so hard. At least it smelled good. The only thing that surprised her was that many things had to cook for so long. One should think with the teeth that they would also use them. Ah at least the meat, if it really was meat, was only fried very briefly. She could do that. She also liked her steak most rare. It all lasted longer than she was used to. Her fine motor skills on the right had improved, but by far not as good as before. Often something fell down or she had to take a break. Finally she was finished. Shepard kept everything warm and breathed deeply. That had been exhausting. She drove to the fireplace and turned it on. The fire made Litavis feel comfortable. A feeling of security and that she often lacked. Her head began to boom again. Tormented, she closed her eyes. Meanwhile she didn't know whether she was happy about it or wanted to run away.

_She looked into the faces of her crew. Everyone had come. It was not a joyful event. Far from it._

_„We are gathered here to honor the life of Thane Krios. Thane touched each of our lives in different ways. The Counciler knew him as a hero. The Normandy's crew him as a brother – in – arms… and others as a father devoted to his son. Though his life took him to very dark places, Thane cared for the better angels of our nature. He once said that he first felt love for his wife when she stepped in front of an assassin to save someone she didn't even know. And when he knew his death were close, he chose to die doing nearly the same thing, also for someone he didn't even know. Even when he was terminally ill, he ran through war – torn streets to reach me because he know I needed help. You all know the results of that day. An assassin, a professional criminal, gave his life for his galaxy. And now he can rest. Would anyone else like to speak?"_

_"What I remember about Thane was his confidence. He told me once about how he remembered everything even every mistake he made. If I did that, I'd be a nervous wreck. Thane kept it under control."_

_Gratefully she looked at Tali and then turned to Garrus, who raised his eyes._

_„It's strange, but the last word I'd label Thane with is assassin. We covered each other in firefights. That makes him a partner."_

_"Thane's last stand was important, but let us also remember why Thane left the Normandy to keep his son away from a life of crime. Deeds such as these do not go unnoticed by the universe. They echo in all who hear them. That is why I am here."_

_Samara's words couldn't have been more fitting. Often the really important things were the ones you barely noticed. Those that were forgotten. She looked at EDI. Meanwhile she had become accustomed to her body._

_„Thane took himself seriously, I trait with which I did not always agree. I tried to make him laugh on several occasions. But what I interpreted as a lack of humor was masking a great effort. Thane was turning his life around in a way few organics do."_

_"The day came onto the Normady, all Kelly and I knew about him was that he could probably kill us all with a ballpoint pen. But after you got to know him, there wasn't any reason to be afraid. He let you know where you stood. Kolyat, do you uh…"_

_Joker's transition was a bit clumsy, but Shepard gladly cleared her place for Kolyat. Slowly she stepped aside._

_„When i was little, I thought my father had it all figured out. He said men must be loyal their friends and dangerous to their enemies. But when he prevented me from… from hurting someone he had chanced. He said enemies and ego are not as important as loved ones. I didn't want to hear it. I was… lost. I called him a hypocrite in a thousand different ways. I said that he was going soft. Now… I think maybe he did have it all figured out. That's all I can say. If anyone would like to continue, we'll be here."_

Litavis's head exploded. Tears flowed down her cheeks. So much for the topic, she didn't want to cry anymore. Sobbing, she just sat there and tried to catch herself again. It simply didn't work. She could not stop. But Garrus was supposed to come straight from his work. Quickly she carried the Mech up on her. Still dressed she sat under the shower and cried unrestrained. She cried for all her dead. It took some time before she heard anything.

"Litavis?

Damn it. He wasn't allowed to see her like that. Not like that.

"I'm showering!"

Shepard had to calm down. Now. Absolutely. Immediately. Quickly she undressed and got out of the shower again. Quickly she dried herself, wrapped the towel around herself and drove into her sleep room. Surprised, Litavis stopped and looked at the Turian questioningly.

"What are you doing here?"

"I was worried. You never take a shower at this time.

"I cooked and looked like a pig."

"Oh, you cooked?"

"I did. And if you could leave the room now, I'd get dressed and we could eat. I suppose you're done."

"Oh yes, I am. You can be such an angel, Litavis."

He left the room and the redhead was left alone.

"No, I'm not..."


	8. fabulae

**Chapter 8 – fabulae**

They ate together and Garrus told her about his day. Everywhere it looked like shit. Reconstruction was sluggish. All species were still working together, but there were no corners or ends. At least it had one advantage, the Alliance had so much to do that they seemed to have forgotten Comander Shepard. She had her peace. She wouldn't be much help now anyway. Apparently, the Turian seemed to like it, or he was as good as she was at secret seasoning. Finally the sniper cleared the table and came back with some alcoholic drinks. He lifted her from the wheelchair and placed her on the sofa. Her best friend turned on the TV. They watched a movie. Litavis smiled briefly as she was wrapped in a blanket. Finally she leaned against the other one. Garrus naturally wrapped an arm around her and held her tight. His film selection was a bit strange, but the commander said nothing about it. Probably someone had given him some advice. She had also watched Tali's favorite movie. Finally the film was over and Shepard was allowed to choose a new one. She chose the 300. The film was ancient, but she loved it. It was exaggerated and just not to be taken seriously. They both laughed a lot. The Turianer held her all the time. One side did it well the other side reported their guilty conscience more and more. The questions were more and more burning under her nails. She could ask him, but... Suddenly Garrus pressed pause.

"Litavis, what's going on?"

"I remember some things today and... it was violent. It was pretty hard on me. And the one memory stopped in the middle of it. I know that this conversation was very important. That I was faced with an important decision and... well I don't know how I decided. Then Tali told me something else, but before I could ask Alenko showed up. Whenever I think I'm getting closer to the goal I'm facing new problems."

"Like in a war."

Now Shepard had to laugh again.

"Yes, about that. It could be so easy if everyone would just listen to me."

"Hey, you're used to that. You've been screaming for five years, the Reapers are coming. And when they were there, nobody could have counted on it."

"After all, I had two years vacation."

"Only you call your own death a vacation."

"How else should I call it. Ever thought that I really consider that a vacation."

"With the spirits, Shepard. You are really believed to be able to do that."

"Who if not me?"

He pulled her tight and turned the film back on. He seemed almost disappointed by the end. Litavis smiled slightly.

"Dissatisfied?"

"I thought they'd win. More in keeping with the humans."

"Well. The battle was lost, but the war was won. There is also a second part of it."

"Good, then we'll watch it now, too. However, we would have won."

"Well, Leonidas isn't a Shepard."

"That's probably true. And they didn't have the best sniper."

"I'd love to see you with a throwing spear or a bow."

Laughing she looked at his talons and arms.

"No, you can't do that."

"All right. You might be right."

He made the second film. The whole time they stayed silent. Only now and then they laughed heartily. Many would have probably declared them crazy. After all, the films were definitely not funny. But they both had fun. Finally the part was over. Garrus turned off the TV and put everything away. Just as Shepard was instructing the Mech to carry her up she sat on his arms.

"You don't have to carry me anymore."

"I know, but I want to. Besides, I have to go up."

Somehow that seemed like a bad excuse to Shepard. Of course she wouldn't say anything. Litavis had the Mech bring her wheelchair up. The sniper put her directly on her bed. She stopped him after he had helped her out of her shoes.

"Garrus. I don't need any help. Really not."

"Sorry. I'm so used to helping you out of armor..."

"Where's my armor anyway?"

"Litavis... she is..."

"Oh... if there was as much of her left as there was of me... just forget I asked."

"Everything okay?"

"Yeah, I'm okay."

She looked after him. Slowly she undressed and went to sleep.

Kashari had come up with something new. They were outside the Citadel. In space. Shepard constantly controlled her breathing apparatus. She trembled all over her body. Her hands clung to a strut. This wasn't Alchera. That wasn't Alchera. She wasn't with Alchera. She wouldn't suffocate, she wouldn't burn up. Again and again Litavis had to tell herself that. Her breath was forced to walk quietly. Her hair was stuck in her forehead. The Asari was next to her the whole time. She had already noticed several times that they could go back in, but the redhead had always denied it. With difficulty she finally took the first step. The weightlessness made it much easier. Muscle training was not the goal here. She had to get used to the movements again. Step by step she fought her way forward. Again the commander controlled her breathing apparatus. Her gaze was stubbornly directed at one point. As soon as she had reached this point, she looked for the next target point. They had been out here for two hours now. Finally she had reached the airlock. Relieved, she breathed a sigh of rush as the helmet came down. The trembling stopped almost immediately. She had made it. Completely exhausted Litavis sank into her wheelchair. She was terribly sick. Kashari wanted to call it a day, but the redhead was against it. So they went back to the hospital and there to the training room. After another eight hours, she left the building. The way home seemed to be longer each time and the exhaustion did not make it any better. When she arrived at the apartment, a new message was waiting. Wrex invited her to Tuchanka. She pressed her lips together hard and chewed it. This planet was not exactly wheelchair accessible. Nevertheless, she would have gladly accepted the invitation. She could take a few steps, but would that be enough? It had to be enough. She wanted to see the new Tuckanka. Smiling, she looked at Garrus, who entered the room behind her. Without a word he lifted her up and carried her into her bedroom. Asking Shepard looked up at the Turian.

"Close your eyes and wait."

Since the redhead really trusted him, she followed his wish. It was damn hard. He took off her shoes and training jacket. She didn't know exactly what he was doing, but it felt familiar. She laughed quietly as he pushed her onto the bed.

"Vakarian, what are you doing to me?"

"You'll see."

Finally he was done. A familiar weight lay on her whole body. Surprised, Shepard opened her eyes. Her armour! She was wearing a new N7 armor. Joyfully she jumped up and embraced her best friend stormy. Now, only now did she feel complete again. That was her. That's exactly what she was. It felt so unspeakably good. Slowly she took a few steps. The Turian was behind her the whole time and finally supported her. Still laughing she looked at him.

"I could kiss you, big guy."

"Promises, promises."

Grinning, she grabbed his face. Tenderly she pulled him down and pressed her foreheads together. The grip around her waist became tighter. She retreated and looked at him. He was still holding her.

"So I can still go to Tuchanka."

"Yes, you can. Will you take me with you? I want to see all the little Shepards."

She began to laugh with a sound. Her legs gave way, but Garrus held her tight. He let himself be infected by the laughter.

A week later they landed on Tuchanka. The Krogan leader stormed towards them and hugged them tightly. It was nice to see that he was well. She had noticed a big difference as she flew over the area. Something was being built. Really built. It made Litavis smile to see this progress. Slowly she followed Wrex. Her best friend walked by her side all the time and often supported her genuinely. Wrex didn't seem to notice any of this. Finally they had reached their goal and she could sit down.

"Shepard! Look at that. Look what we've achieved."

Laughing, she let the plans show themselves. Urdnot Bakara was also there. Her old friend never stopped talking. Suddenly Litavis heard a noise and began to radiate. A Varren ran towards her.

"Urz! You are alive."

Immediately she scratched the Varren extensively. She was really surprised that he was still alive. But she was very happy. Panting, he sat next to her and put his head on her legs. She would take him with her. That's what she decided. He had been through enough and would do her good. Shepard continued to listen to Wrex's plans. The Krogans had really big plans and she liked it. She could imagine it right. Finally Eve silenced him. They climbed a Mako and drove off. So they showed her all the progress they had made since the end of the war. The ride lasted several hours. Garrus and they kept silent most of the time and just listened. Finally they were back and Wrex introduced them to his children. There were several hundred of them. One was called Mordin and another Shepard.

The official part was now over. Now they were just old comrades who exchanged old stories and drank. And they drank a lot. Laughing, Shepard looked down. Wrex lay on the ground and snored to himself.

"He's getting old."

"He's old."

"Drunk by a human and a Turianer under the table. That should be embarrassing to him."

"We are more than that. We are fucking legends, Litavis."

Laughing, Shepard shook her head. They said goodbye to Eve and made their way back. Urz boarded the shuttle without any problems.

"You're taking him with you?"

"Yes, I'll take him with me. He survived the war here and I think he deserves a quiet old age."

"You're probably right."

Back home she was really knocked out. Garrus carried her to bed and helped her take off her armor.

"Are you okay?"

"Everything hurts me, but I feel good. And you?"

"I drank too much."

She pulled up an eyebrow when he also took off his armor and just lay down on her bed. Almost instantly the Turian had fallen asleep. Smiling, the redhead lay next to him. He was really full when he fell asleep so quickly in this uncomfortable bed. As soon as she lay next to him, a strong arm wrapped around her and pulled her closer. Pressed firmly against him, she fell asleep. Urz lay next to her bed and snored contentedly.


	9. furia

**Chapter 9 – furia**

Step by step. Always further. Hands held on tightly to two poles. Every advance was a fight. Every step was a torture. A tremor seized the exhausted body. Rattling breathing filled the whole room. Sweat dripped steadily to the floor. Urz also ran on the treadmill. He adapted to the given speed again and again. One of her feet remained hanging, the Varren briefly pushed his head against it and set the leg in motion again. Kashari was enthusiastic about her patients' new pet. He was the best therapist and the best help you could imagine. Litavis was also very fond of Urz. Since Garrus was currently on Palavan, she was alone. Only her Varen did not leave her side and accompanied her everywhere. As on earth, Shepard went to train at night. The steps became safer and safer. The wheelchair was rarely used. The new permanent companion, next to Varren, was now a walking stick. Panting she sank now nevertheless into the knees. A rough tongue immediately licked the sweat off her exhausted face. A few moments passed in which again only heavy wheezing filled the small room. After several heartbeats, the redhead fought her way up again and staggered into the shower. This was the only place the Varren avoided. Water was simply repugnant to him. Armed with a stick, she left the hospital and drove to the presidium. Two rounds through this area always formed the end of the nightly training. Even though there was no real day-night cycle here, there was little going on around it. Nobody noticed the woman with the varren and the walking stick. The times had changed. Before and during the war she would have been noticed. Well... yes now everything was different. She had already seen Asari and Turians in wheelchairs. After so much was destroyed simply the capacities were missing.

The Alliance had contacted her a week ago. Today she should meet with a representative. Shepard didn't intend to be hitched to a cart again. Her own health still had priority. No one had listened to her in the past. Only when ashes and fire had rained down on them. Only when all worlds were on fire was she taken seriously. And even then the side scenes had received more attention. Shepard was convinced that she had fulfilled her part. It couldn't be that death was the only vacation for her. The two rounds were over. The next way was the way home. Once there, the commander went to bed. After a few hours she got up again and made herself something to eat. Her pet was still not used to getting something to eat every day. He inhaled the contents of his bowl like every time. After rinsing she changed her clothes. First Litavis wanted to put on her armor. With her many things became easier for her. In action she was simply the best and the armor gave her exactly that feeling. The choice fell on her N7 tracksuit. The decision fell exceptionally again on the wheelchair. She was simply too tired. Urz hurried after her when she left the apartment. But first Litavis visited the Spectre office. Some of her messages she could only retrieve here. Kasumi hadn't been easy to track down, but she had made it. Every member of her team had now found her. Everyone was fine. On the way back to the elevator she met a well-known young Drell. She nodded briefly to Kolyat. He had started at C-security and was in conversation with a superior. Shepard would have liked to stay longer to talk to him, but she had an appointment. Instead of meeting in the ambassador's office, the Apollo was chosen as the meeting place. Why not the casino at Silverstrip? The way wouldn't have been so long. Arriving at the cafe she chose an offside table. Of course she was too early. She ordered a coffee and waited patiently. Litavis was curious if she would send her and what he wanted from her. She had chosen the place so that she could leave at any time. Not that she intended to flee, but she liked a plan B. Or several contingency plans. Urz lay quietly next to her and watched the surroundings. He was an old warrior, like her. In the reflection of the balustrade she saw someone coming up on her. She almost laughed. That had been so clear. Calmly she looked at the dark-haired man.

"Major."

"Comander, I'm glad you came."

"Let's be honest. The Alliance sends a nice invitation and then a subpoena. So why am I here?"

"The Alliance is worried about you."

"Come on, Alenko. Don't bullshit me like that. We both know that's not true. What does the Alliance want from me? And don't come to me with excuses, but be honest with me."

"You should be promoted."

"And sit on some committee to represent the interests of the Earth. The glorious heroine of war. Who could refuse her anything?"

"Litavis, this is a great opportunity. For you and mankind."

"We both know that is not true. The Alliance imprisoned me and released me. Some reasons were good, others were not. I did what was necessary to win this war. I am a soldier. Not a diplomat. The war made me that, but it's not in my nature. I am far from operational and I don't know if I would ever be again. I could also not stand in front of someone and remind them of my great deeds. Probably my counterpart would remember it more than I would. I would be a kind of mascot."

"You'll certainly get well again and your memories will come back."

"You didn't deny it."

"I..."

"I deserve more than that, Alenko. I can do nothing against promotion. If that's what the Alliance wants, they'll do it. But I'm not going to sit anywhere and let myself be used like that. If the Alliance tries, I will resign with immediate effect."

"I understand. I will tell them. I didn't expect anything else from you."

"I'm not asking you to understand..."

"I understand that. I also think they should give you more time."

"You understand me?"

"You washed my head as often as you could, something should get stuck in there someday."

"I'm glad that it was fruitful."

"Now the official part is finished. How are you?"

"So far quite well. Physically the progress is good. Mental... well not really. I still have more questions than answers."

"Maybe it is quite good like that. Don't get me wrong. It sucks when you don't know things anymore, but none of us can even guess what you've been through. Maybe it's a kind of second chance for you."

"Probably rather a third. Once dead and once almost. You should think I've learned my lesson."

Kaidan laughed quietly.

"You should probably. That was almost enough for me dead on Mars. Sorry, I..."

"I remember that, Kaidan. I also remember the visits to the hospital. Well, a few. I guess I'm missing a few. First you are in a coma and then you stand at the window and explain to me that you accept Udina's offer."

"You never trusted him."

"No. That doesn't matter now either."

"You're probably right there. Say, where did you get the Varren from?"

"From Tuchanka. I met Urz for the first time when I was there for Grunt. He liked me. And two weeks ago I followed Wrex's invitation and Urz came running to me. So I just took him with me."

She gently stroked Varren's skull. He felt exactly that he was being talked about.

"So he waited for you the whole time?

"That's it."

"Faithful animal."

"Clever animal."

"Who wouldn't wait for Comander Shepard?"

"Husk? Reaper?"

Now Kaidan burst into a resounding laughter.

"Well, they probably didn't. Listen, I still have to give you the pad here. It says everything about your promotion and what positions they would offer you."

"Then give it to me. I'll read it through, give you the same answer as before, and you've done your duty."

"Thank you. Would you like another drink?"

"Somewhere the sun has certainly already set. With such a reading I take a whiskey."

"Yes, Admiral."

"Forget it, Kaidan."

It had taken her two hours to read the text. Of course Kaidan had to report immediately and had said goodbye. Like every day Litavis had gone to the training. Running was still difficult. Or rather, the running itself was easy. With walking and standing still it looked different again. This caused the biggest difficulties. When she ran she didn't have to hold on. Kashari made fun of throwing small objects at her while running, which Litavis then had to fend off with her Biotic. The Asari called this a replica of a combat mission. Envious. The other woman had never fought before in her life. She didn't even have a clue. This time the commander finished her training on time. She still had something planned. At home the usual routine followed, cooking, eating, showering, changing clothes. Shepard put on her armor with helmet. No one should recognize her. She wanted to try something. Maybe this was a chance. That help was needed was not optimal, but there was someone she could ask. Someone who was almost as fucked up and crazy as she was. The goal was the Armax Arsenal Arena. Her date stood in front of the participant's entrance and looked confused at her walking stick.

"Shit, Shepard. You're stupid."

"Hello, Jack. I don't want to change back to my old days."

"Shit."

"Come on, now, fear?"

"Forget already, I'm responsible now?"

"Exactly. Forgotten."

"Shepard, I didn't want to..."

"Forget it, Jack. I don't need pity. I need a crazy bitch to go in there with me and see if I can get a damn flashback."

"Asshole. Are you sure it's gonna be okay?"

"No. That's why we're going in with your access. I don't want to embarrass myself."

"HEY!

"Okay. I don't want the Alliance to get wind of my condition. So now we're gonna kick a couple of reapers in the ass?"

"You are crazy. Totally nuts. Let's go."

Subject Zero set the parameters for their fight. Elite opponents, Reaper and Brimstone. The redhead put her stick away and had to lean on Jack until the elevator.

"I can run. I don't have to go in battle."

She really hoped that this action would bring something. As soon as the fight started, the two women took cover. It was something else to see pictures of the Reaper units. Now they stormed towards them. And that's exactly what she needed. The adrenaline was flowing through her veins. At the same time, the hands holding the familiar weight of a weapon became calmer. Again and again the trigger was operated. If the opponent was even a hologram the feeling was real. Shooting, running, ducking, using Biotic was all real. Pure life hadn't flowed through this body for a long time. She was born for it. That was what she was made for. Finally the fight was over.

"Shit Shep. New Highscore. Not as high as yours, but I've never been so good. And now what?

"Again."

"Sure?"

"Absolutely sure. I want to kick Ceberus' ass."

"I like that. How hard?"

"The hardest. How am I supposed to remember what when we play kindergarten games here?"

"Just as you like. I go to adjust everything. You stay here."

The units of Ceberus rushed towards them and their vision began to blur. The presidium appeared. The Council. She had to go to the council. Her head began to boom and she became faster and faster. It just didn't matter that her head exploded. It didn't matter that she cried. Her targets were the phantoms. This fighting style. He had to die. He had to. THIS DAMN SON OF A BITCH HAD TO DIE! Jack's shouts disappeared in insignificance. The goal was clear. Cover was unnecessary. How much ammunition was left was unimportant. That their Biotic went mad and tore the Holos in the air was unimportant. There was only one goal left. A single target was important and this found its end through her universal blade.

"That's for Thane, motherfucker."

The fight was over and she didn't even notice it. Only in the changing room the redhead sank into her knees.

"SHEP!

Something pulled on her helmet. Tore properly at it, it did not matter. She saw pictures. So many pictures. And nevertheless it was not enough. The pain subsided. Her eyes cleared again and she looked at Jack. Without warning, a fist hit subject Zero right in the face.

"Shut up!"

"I owe it to you since Grissom Academy."

At first Jack's eyes were shocked, but then she started to laugh. Litavis stood up groaning. It had worked. It had really worked. She remembered the academy. Udinas coup attempt and Kai Leng's end. Today was a good day.

"Let's have a drink, Jack. I'll pay."


	10. fidere

**Chapter 10 – fidere**

Training was over. Today again punctual. The two laps through the presidium were faster now. Urz liked that very much. Just like running on the treadmill. After the two laps in the presidium there was still one lap over the strip. Here it was louder, more lively. But also with more obstacles. It was heavier and lasted much longer, but that was the point. Finally the apartment was reached. The exhaustion was not as bad as before. The next goal was the piano. On her play list she had found Liara's piano piece. The instrument was now used as a fine motor exercise. Every day it took another hour of the day. Today Kaidan would come by. Privately. Not on behalf of the alliance nevertheless Litavis would use the wheelchair again. She knew Alenko and his sense of duty. If they asked him, they would answer honestly. And Shepard couldn't use that at the moment. Not that the fighting spirit was missing. You could also be selfish at times. How could she help if her own life was still a pile of rubble? After some time also the part of the training was over. The whirlpool called. That just relaxed. Hot water worked wonders. The cramped muscles relaxed more and more. With closed eyes the redhead just enjoyed the water. After some time she left the water and dried off. Her eyes fell into the mirror. This body looked as if it had fallen victim to a hungry velociraptor. Over and over covered with red glowing scars. Miranda should probably undertake soon something. Normally she was proud of the scars. They told a story. Her story. However, these scars told nothing. They told purely nothing at all. A forgotten story burnt into their skin. Warm fingers hesitantly drove over the tracks. It was uneven. Sighing, the commander let her hands sink and dressed. Long trousers and a long-sleeved sweater. Cover as much of the destruction as possible. Urz pushed encouragingly against the slightly trembling legs. He growled deeply satisfied when he was cuddled for it. Once at the bottom, Shepard got into her wheelchair. Kaidan should appear at any moment. A guilty conscience spread. Lying to the major like that was not right. But it was necessary. This lesson had crystallized during the war. Doing what was necessary. And this spectacle was necessary. Unfortunately. Finally it rang at the door. The major greeted her smiling. He was loaded with several bags and marched directly into the kitchen. Smiling she followed him. She climbed on one of the stools and grabbed some vegetables to cut it.

"Hey, I actually wanted to cook for you. You can have a drink in that time."

"Like the last time? I remember that you cooked for me and that I survived with difficulty."

"You remember that?"

"Well, individual pictures. And I was suddenly convinced that I should buy spicy sauce."

"Very nice."

Shepard laughed quietly. The dark-haired guy handed her a beer and took the vegetables in the same breath.

"Were you at home with your family again?"

"I was."

"How is your mother?"

"Good, given the circumstances. Next week I'm off. Then she comes to visit me on the Citadel."

"I'm sure it'll be nice. You should spend more time together."

"We should probably. Only now where everything is rebuilt she gets strange thoughts."

"What does she want to look at then everything?"

"That's just it. She speaks only of grandchildren."

Shepard almost swallowed her beer.

"Grandchildren?"

"Yes..."

"Don't you miss a part for that?"

"What?

"Well, a suitable partner."

"Yes, a girlfriend would be helpful."

"Tell that to your chosen one but not on the first date."

"Why not?

"I'd drive off screaming."

The Canadian laughed quietly and continued cooking. Finally he was finished and set the table in the living room. She gently fought him off as he tried to help her into the wheelchair. Shepard moved alone. She also made the switch from the wheelchair to the sofa on her own. The food was good. Alenko was really good at cooking. Then they just sat on the sofa and watched a game.

"You predicted the winner."

"Well, I'm Comander Shepard. What do you expect?"

"Where you're right."

She had noticed that it was slowly sliding closer. At first she didn't think anything of it, but finally he sat very close to her.

"What's that, Kaidan? Are you trying with the grandchildren?"

"What? No! I only wanted to give you the opportunity to lean on when you were exhausted."

"Ah yes. But it is not necessary."

Right away he moved a bit away from her again. It seemed to hurt him. But she couldn't do anything about it. She didn't want this closeness. She had more than enough to do with herself. Of course, the redhead was still trying to find out who her partner had been. On the other hand, she was so broken by now. Physically as well as psychologically. Who else would want her? She did him a favor, whoever it was. She was broken. Even if it got better, she was broken. Shattered. Nobody knew how she would cope with her memories. Shepard was convinced that she would soon have to pay the bill for the last few years. Several years of constant stress. Always on the go. Always ready for action. All her losses and never time to grieve. Neither for their friends and parents nor for their fallen comrades. All this would demand a price. A high price. Shepard was afraid of it. She was best in action. She was afraid that she wouldn't work at all without the help of the missions. That she broke. For her it was already clear that this would happen. She didn't even notice how she became quieter and quieter. Suddenly Alenko sat next to her again and stared at her. He looked into her eyes. What was that all about? Why did he close his eyes now? He came closer. Litavis felt the warm breath on her lips. The Major wanted to kiss her. Shepard literally froze. Suddenly the apartment door opened and Garrus came in. Immediately the dark-haired man scared back.

"I'm back."

"Welcome home, Garrus."

That had been close. She would have loved to have fallen around the Turian's neck now. Kaidan literally jumped off the sofa.

"I'll go then."

She looked after him and sank back into the sofa relieved. She heard the subvocal of the sniper. Was he angry? At least he sounded that way.

"What was it like on Palavan?"

"Exhausting. Very exhausting. The primarch wanted to know everything. How things are going here, what has been discussed, how are you doing?"

"He asked about me?"

"Yes, he would like to invite you to Palavan. I said you wouldn't be able to do that at the moment. Too much gravity."

"You lied to the primarch for me? Thank you, Garrus."

Slowly she got up. Urz came to her and she leaned on the Varren. Arrived at the refrigerator she got them both something to drink out.

"Litavis, that's incredible. I was worried because your wheelchair is next to the sofa."

"Play for Kaidan. I know he'd have to tell the Alliance."

"You don't trust him?"

"Not really. To him as a human being yes. Him as soldiers? No. He's too attached to the alliance."

"I guess that's true. He would feel obliged..."

"Exactly."

Shepard went back to the sofa and sat down. Prompted, she looked at Garrus, who accepted the invitation.

"I was at the AAA with Jack. It brought something. I remembered the Grissom Academy, the coup attempt and Kai Leng's end."

"Litavis. That's great!"

"Yes, it is. I had Kashari get me an access pass. I don't want to participate with my access."

"I can understand that. Should I come with you?"

"Gladly. But not today. When you have time. It might be helpful. At least I seem to get my memories of the combat missions back that way. Not all, but at least a few memories I get back."

"What do you want to remember?"

"Something Tali mentioned. Only maybe it's better that way."

"Better?"

"For him? I don't remember and who knows if I'll ever do that again."

"For whom? What is it about?"

"I forgot something very important and I had no idea until Tali mentioned something."

"I don't ask any more."

"Thank you."

"Tell me, did Kaidan try to kiss you?"

"I'm afraid so."

"You're afraid?"

"I didn't want it. I didn't know how to react at all".

The Turian looked relieved. He told her about the visit to his family. His father would like him to visit Palavan. After all, Garrus was a hero. And some important families were interested in a relationship. Confused, she looked at her best friend.

"Thou shalt marry?"

"Well... at least my father isn't disinclined."

"But you have a say, don't you?"

"I do."

"So you can also say no?"

"I can. Even if my father won't like it."

"At the moment there is a lot to do. How are you supposed to have time for something like that then?"

"He would make a preselection."

"Shit, Garrus."

"Oh yes. I'll probably be a total disappointment to him again."

"I don't believe that. Parents are somehow always proud of you. Besides, you have defeated the Reapers. What more could a father expect?"

"You defeated the Reapers."

"Without you I would not have made it. At least not so stylish. He will probably wait until you have found one that you like."

"Who knows. I go now to sleep. Should I help you with the stairs?"

"No. I'm not going to sleep yet".

"What's going on?"

"I have nightmares again. And sleep therefore rather little. If I fall asleep on the sofa, with Urz nearby, it goes."

"I have an idea. When you're done you call me."

He helped her up the stairs. Shepard put on her sleeping clothes and called for her best friend. He came into her room armed with many pillows. He padded one side of her bed completely and lay down next to her.

"If you dream badly, you'll wake me, understand?"

"Ok. Thank you Garrus."

She snuggled up to the Turian and closed her eyes.


	11. caelestis Santana

**Chapter 11 – caelestis Santana**

Litavis came home in a good mood. Today the training was cancelled because Kashari visited her family. The Asari had a bad conscience about it. The redhead had had to force her to. Illium had already lured her. Much had happened there. Saving Miranda's sister, recruiting Thane and Samara, and many more. But there was too much to do. Every day the Armax Arsenal Arena called. It went well. Really good. Every time some memories came up. Just a few. Not like with Jack. With Subject Zero it had been whole missions. Now only single pictures. Short passages, but better than nothing. Against the heaviest opponents there were the best results. Meanwhile caelestis Satanas was celebrated as the heroine of the arena. Always a single fight and always a victory. The collapse in the locker room nobody got along. From time to time Urz was there. The Varren had a lot of fun. He rushed over the battlefield and grabbed every husk that came too close. Meanwhile the dance with the weapon was normal again and the feeling was great. The shower called. Afterwards the way led to the news terminal. The fan mail was now forwarded. The fan mail of the AAA was as always very entertaining. A Turian wrote her again and again. The quiet suspicion that it was Garrus sister came up. It was the only message that was answered regularly. Normally cooking would have been on the agenda, but the sniper wanted to go out for dinner. A skeptical look down her body caused a resigned sigh. A tracksuit was probably not the right wardrobe. So change. The dress in the closet was ignored. This body was a walking crater land, dotted with glowing rivers. Turians had an aversion to scars. A sign of weakness. She could understand it. At least now. When she still knew where which of her scars came from, she had always found this to be nonsense. She had been proud of her stories. Every wound she had suffered to save others. But now... So her choice fell on a pantsuit.

Smiling, the commander entered the restaurant. The Sushi restaurant was rebuilt. At the last visit she had crashed through the ground and found herself in a battle against her own clone. Smiling she went in the direction of the Turian. He had chosen a table further back. Protected from curious looks and enough distance to talk in peace. He knew her too well. She fought her way through the crowd. Her head began to boom again and her vision blurred. She suddenly saw herself sitting at the table, with Joker. Her fall through the floor and then her shooting in the streets. The found weapon whistled again and again quietly. Opponent after opponent fell. But there were too many. Help would not be bad. She spoke with someone. Not with Brooke. Suddenly Garrus was there. He came to help her, as always. Was that a compliment? Suddenly Wrex was there too and they fought their way free.

The pressure in her head eased and she continued her way. Calming she looked at her best friend and sat down. Worried, he looked at her and grabbed her hand directly. The sniper just looked at her and gave her time to breathe deeply. Shepard always needed a few moments to recover from a flashback and he knew it. The Turian was the only one who understood her. All the others kept asking what was going on, how she was doing, what they could do. Garrus just waited patiently.

"I always forget how painful a memory is for you. I'm sorry. I thought it would be a good idea to come here."

"It's a good idea, Garrus. It hurts every time, but I don't want it any other way. I need that."

"I know it's still not easy to watch it every time and not be able to do anything about it. In battle I could at least pull you into cover."

"Yeah, now you're really great at improvising. In Turian vocabulary there's no taking cover at all."

"I learned a bit from you."

"Oh only a little?"

"All right, a little more. To take cover, what grey tones are, to scream around until somebody listens to you and..."

"And?"

"Did you forget and maybe you'll remember it someday."

"Ass."

The sniper just laughed and placed their order with the waitress. The redhead looked around in peace during that time. Her head hurt again and single pictures appeared. The casino, the archive, the Normandy. Despite the pain, she began to grin.

"What's wrong?"

"That was the moment the Galaxy ran out of ammo."

"That was stylish."

"That's it."

"It would never have gone through as Commander Shepard."

"I'm not so sure about that. She wasn't so bad at all."

"Significantly worse than you."

"I have the better team."

"You always got the best out of us."

"I hope I never forget that you admitted that."

He laughed quietly. Their food came and they both fell into silence. The headaches didn't really go away, but it wasn't enough to cause her to flash back again.

"My father is serious by the way. He sent me a list of potential candidates."

"Damn it, Garrus. I'm sorry about that."

"So far, I can stall him for not getting a closer look at the list thanks to the work."

"And if you say you have a girlfriend? Would he leave you alone?"

"It'd have to be a pretty damn impressive girlfriend."

"You do have some impressive good friends. If you explained your situation to them, they would certainly help you."

"Do you think so?"

"Absolutely sure.

"And who do you think I should ask?"

"Depends on what you want. You could have the Shadow Broker, a female admiral of the Quarians, one of the strongest bioticians, a designed biotician or a Normandy technician to choose from."

"What about the heroine of the galaxy?"

"She... would probably help you, too."

"Would you?"

"Hey, to hell and back. I've never forgotten that."

Why did he stop now and look past her? Had she said something wrong? Probably. At least as far as she remembered, he had never been very good at the subject. If he hadn't suddenly made a hundred and eighty degree turn, then it was probably just very uncomfortable for him to talk about something like that.

"Hey, big guy. What's going on?"

"Reporter. In front of the restaurant. They're waiting for someone, I'm afraid of you."

"Shit. That can't be true. Is there never any peace?"

"But you also attract anger magically."

"Great. What is the difference between Reaper units and reporters?"

"No ideas both run after you and want to tear you to pieces."

"Pick it out. Either Reapers don't have a camera, or you can shoot them with impunity."

"Fits both."

Garrus got up and went to the bar. What happened now? Maybe he got them something to drink. Alcohol wouldn't be the solution, but it might be more bearable. Surprised, she looked up as her hand was grabbed and the sniper pulled her with him.

"Where are we going?"

"To the back door."

"What about the check?"

"Feel invited."

"What a date."

"At least nobody's trying to kill you."

"Not yet."

Once outside, he pulled her towards the casino. There were several exits and the reporters were definitely not allowed in. Shepard found it a bit confusing that he didn't let go of her hand the whole time. Arriving at the casino, the path led up the stairs to the bar. The redhead exploded again.

"I was here when Cerberus attacked, and i don't remember seeing you. I think I caught a glimpse of Commander Shepard fighting over by the elevator bay, though."

"Well, yeah Shepard was protecting the Council, but I had my own problems to deal with. You see, I was down by the docking bay near C-Sec headquarters... There were a lot of Cerberus troops. Ha ha! Commander Shepard is chasing the Council. This is our chance! And I am sneaking around. Oh, shit! Cerberus! Of course they recognized me. Ha ha ha! It's Joker! He can barely walk! How's he going to stop us? Ha ha! There was an Atlas and I took it. Like this. It's joking time. I said. And then, boom boom- Ah, we were fools to underestimate Joker! Oh, no! Yes. You were. I hit a group of five. They only screamed. Ah! That's right! You just landed on the island of doctor me! I killed them all. And that's pretty much how it happened... which is why you should comp my drinks."

"No."

"Aw, come on!"

"I barely believe what they're saying about Shepard. You? I don't think so."

"Okay, trying not to be offended there. Look, if Shepard were here..."

Garrus drew her closer and supported her slightly. Of course, he had immediately noticed that she was stumbling. Slowly he walked on. To the next exit. As soon as they were outside they sucked Shepard's air greedily into her lungs. Probably he had intended to spend some time in the casino, but with their headaches it would have been pure torture. Tenderly he held her tight and just stopped with her until her legs stopped trembling.

"How do you do that in the arena?"

"I always break down in the locker room and wait until it's over."

"Next time I'll come with you."

"Will you catch me then, big guy?"

"Don't I always?"

"You do."

He moved her on. It was strange not to walk in front of him. To let him take the lead now was unusual, but not bad. How Garrus still held her hand. Was he so afraid to lose her in the crowd? Probably he just didn't really trust her legs yet. Why did she have to put on high heels today of all days? Oh yes, so that she didn't feel so small.

"Garrus, slower. If we look like we're on the run, we're just attracting attention."

"Sorry. I just want to get you out of here."

"I know."

She stepped next to him and just hooked up with him. So she could at least slow him down a little if he got too fast again. So they both walked through the crowd. When she turned around the next corner, her best friend stopped as if frozen. Quickly they turned around and went back. These paparazzi were everywhere.

"I'm afraid we're trapped, Garrus."

"I wish we could shoot them."

"Then at least it would be easier."

"I think they saw us."

"Shit."

He pulled them into a darker corner and stood in front of them. He put his arms around her waist and pulled her tight. Questioning, Shepard looked up and opened her eyes in surprise. Garrus gently pressed his mouth plates against her lips. He kissed her. He kissed her right. Litavis closed her eyes and wrapped her arms around his neck. Steps hurried past them. It had really worked. Instead of stopping, he pulled her even closer to him. Shepard felt a rough tongue on her lips and gasped in surprise. The Turian took his chance and penetrated her oral cavity. His tongue literally wrapped around her and finally she came towards him. Her tongues loved each other and fought for dominance at the same time. Panting heavily, they separated from each other. With glowing cheeks and glassy eyes she looked up to the sniper. Without another word they went on. Arriving at home they both breathed a sigh of relief.

"Garrus?

"I... Litavis... I'm sorry. I did not want... so... I..."

She walked up to him and put her lips back on his. He immediately pulled her back. That immediately felt familiar. She knew this taste. Her head exploded. The redhead saw them both in her loft. They kissed and he carried her to bed. He had accepted her offer. Hissing, she sank to her knees. That memory was too much that day. Silently Garrus just held her. How had it gone on between them?


	12. inopinata

**Chapter 12 – inopinata**

They didn't talk about what happened between them. Garrus always avoided this topic. Litavis had given up the attempt. It was unpleasant for him. She knew him well enough to know that there was no point in further pursuit. So they both acted as if all this had never happened. Shepard just came back from dinner with Kashari. She now had only two training sessions in one earth week. Her body was completely restored. Except for the scars, of course. The Asari massaged her regularly and gave her lymphatic drains. Miranda worried that further operations would throw her back again. The redhead also did not have any more surgeries at the moment. There was more important than her appearance. Miranda's abilities were more urgently needed in other patients. She herself could wait.

Kaidan had now visited her several more times as an Alliance representative. Her answer was always the same. Nevertheless, she was now an admiral. After all, she was on leave until she was better again. A lot of awards were waiting for her. Every nation involved in the war wanted to honour her. During a personal visit, of course. That could become a problem. Depending on which planet she visited first... it could be seen as an insult to be the last to be visited. She was rumored not to be physically able to travel long yet. A plain lie, which at least the Krogans saw through directly, but they said nothing about it. If the races were to establish an order, or lend it on the Citadel, no one would be offended. She arrived at her loft and retrieved her messages. The same as always. But then her heart stopped. That could not be true. Garrus could not be reached. Litavis ran up the stairs and ran into his room. As fast as she could she cleared his things into her bedroom. That could give a disaster. She ordered another mattress for Turians and had it brought into the lower bedroom. Fortunately there was enough food. She looked around skeptically. Garrus lived here, too, as could be seen in the apartment. Again she tried to reach her best friend. Again nothing. The ambassador really had to keep him on his toes. Well then she had to go and pick up his family. The two could have called earlier. The commander quickly grabbed her walking stick and set off. Urz accompanied her as usual. In the Skycar she tried to reach the sniper. Resigned she left him a message. She knew Garrus had accepted her offer and had told his family that they were a couple. Unfortunately, Litavis had no further information. So she had to improvise. Arriving at the docks she got out. She had perfected the conscious limping. She leaned slightly against the balustrade and waited. Hopefully Garrus would appear soon. Or at least send her a message. The redhead looked at the passing ships. The last time she had stood here with Steve. In the middle of the war, a precious moment of peace and quiet. That had done her shuttle pilot good. Here in this place they had gone from being comrades to friends. This time her head didn't explode. She had received that memory back a few weeks ago. Once the chains were broken, she could remember them again and again without breaking. The memories of individual persons, however, still remained closed to her. Garrus, Kaidan and James. With the three she bit on granite. Single pictures and scraps of conversation, now and then even whole conversations, but nothing more. It was frustrating. The major sought her closeness, always wanted to do something with her and... well, she felt like he was flirting with her. James flirted with everything that was female. So she ruled him out. Kaidan really tried and Garrus... He was always there. Held her, protected her and then he had kissed her... Sighing she cuddled Urz. What should she think now? Shepard shook that thought off. That had to wait now. There were more important things. A Turian ship docked. It would take some time before the passengers were through the security check. Still no news of the sniper. Urz remained calm the whole time. There was a lot going on now. More and more Turians streamed out of the ship. The gaze of the new admiral wandered searching around. Luckily she had seen pictures of Garrus family. Slowly she approached two Turians. Both of them looked at her in surprise. Hopefully her boyfriend hadn't said that she was still dependent on the wheelchair.

"Officer Vakarian, Mrs Vakarian is very pleased to meet you. Garrus is still at the embassy, unfortunately we received her message only a few hours ago."

Garrus' sister looked at her father in shock. She reached out to Shepard and shook her hand.

"Please call me Solana, Commander. After all, you are with my brother. Even if my father doesn't quite believe that yet."

That would of course explain the surprise visit. Smiling she looked at the young Turian. She seemed to be far more open than her father.

"This information also came as a surprise, Commander."

"That is only too understandable. Do we want to go then?"

The two took their bags and followed the redhead to the Skycar. During the flight she talked to Solana. Shepard explained everything about the Citadel to her. Finally, they arrived at her apartment. Urz went straight to his seat. Litavis breathed deeply. Of course Garrus wasn't there yet.

"We have two guest rooms. One down here and one upstairs. How you would like to divide it up I leave to you. Upstairs the bathroom is furnished for Turians. Unfortunately this is not down here".

"Why not?"

"Garrus told us that this is Shepard's apartment she got from an admiral. Why should she arrange everything for Turians when she is a human herself? Garrus has moved in with us. Not the other way around."

"It's exactly the same. We thought together about what he needs and wants. We are both really bad civilians. Some rooms are not used by us at all. We are simply not used to so much space."

"I'm surprised you don't have an armory."

"We have a gun closet in the bedroom."

That made Solana laugh. Litavis had really hoped that she would take the bedroom upstairs, but unfortunately that wasn't the case. As soon as the two had settled in, the apartment door opened and Garrus came in. She walked towards him and pressed her forehead against his. Casis watched them both closely.

"Welcome home."

"I'm sorry. I just couldn't get away sooner."

"It's okay. I was there."

He greeted his family now. Hopefully she had done nothing wrong. His father had reserved a table for her. So they withdrew into the bedrooms. Shepard quickly dragged her boyfriend into her bedroom before he could betray himself.

"I'm so sorry, Litavis. I had no idea."

"It's okay. We just have to be careful what we do now. I got all your stuff over and organized another mattress. What did you tell them?"

"Just that we're a couple and we live together."

"Ok. Anything else I need to know?"

"No. The greeting was nice."

"Glad to hear it. I thought it was wrong, the way your father watched us."

"We do not show affection so often. Usually only in the family. I didn't know if that was right for you."

"I told you I'd do it with you."

"Thank you."

"I'll take a shower then."

"Okay. I'll change in time."

Litavis took another pantsuit and went to the bathroom. Luckily she didn't need long in the bathroom. When she came out again Garrus looked at her closely.

"No dress. Back then you often put on that black one."

"A Turian of all people notices that. I am shocked. At that time I still had the legs for a short dress".

"You still have them."

"You saw the scars, didn't you?

"I did. I still think that you can still wear a dress."

"Your father would tip over at the sight."

"Well then, put it on."

Laughing, she really reached for the dress. She turned her back on him and undressed again. She felt a little uncomfortable. He now saw her scarred back. The lower part of her legs was still walking. Her thighs and upper body were the worst.

"Will you help me with the zipper?"

"Of course."

She slipped into a pair of high shoes and went down with him.

"Remember to support me all the time."

"Of course."

They sat down on the sofa and waited. Garrus rose again and fed Urz. He had become accustomed to their Varren. Solana came to them first. She turned on the TV and switched to the AAA channel. Interested the three watched the fights.

"They are boring. I had hoped to see caelistis Santana fight. She is great and so nice. She answered my messages. Can you imagine that? Have you ever seen her fight?"

"Regularly. I've even seen her in a real fight. She's great."

"You know her? What is she like?

"I know her well. Very well even. And I've already told you, she's great."

Shepard was silent the whole time. She flattered me immensely how Garrus talked about her. Finally Casis came to them and they made their way to the restaurant. There she held back the whole time. Garrus and Casis talked there all the time about the work. Solana seemed very tired. She was quiet all the time. After a good three hours the eldest seemed to have an understanding and they went back. Arriving at the apartment Litavis took off her shoes first. She went into the kitchen and made a coffee. The father of the two went upstairs for a moment.

"You two really should kiss more often. It's nice that you're holding back so much for us, but Dad thinks it's strange. Humans do show their affection more often."

"Sol... we..."

"We're both soldiers, Solana. Neither your brother nor I are like that. Just before others we rather hold back."

"Oh so. Nevertheless you should be a little more open. Not that our father still comes up with stupid ideas. I go to sleep now. The flight was quite exhausting."

So Solana disappeared into the guest room. Perplex the two looked at each other.

"Could be harder than I thought."

"We'll manage."

She gently embraced her best friend. Who would have thought that she would need acting lessons? The redhead sighed softly as she was drawn closer. His warmth was very pleasant every time. As soon as she heard footsteps from above, she put her lips on Garrus mouthplates. Casis certainly didn't like the human way of kissing. But the sniper all the more. Suddenly she felt his tongue on her lips again. The plan to leave it at this short gesture, she threw quickly over the pile and met the strange tongue only too willingly. Garrus' grip around her waist became firmer. He almost brutally pressed their bodies against each other. She gasped briefly and he let go again. Shepards entire body tingling pleasantly. Everything around her became unimportant. There was only the intense play of her tongues. With a slight throat they finally startled and separated from each other. With glowing cheeks she finally turned away and dedicated herself to the coffee machine again. Her boyfriend carried her coffee into the living room. For himself and his father, he took Turian brandy with him, while she grabbed a whiskey for later. On the couch she snuggled up to Garrus. They didn't have to play that. It was like that every evening. His warmth did her scars good and he knew it too. The conversation about the work went on. Shepard just listened. She already knew all the stories about her best friend. He told them to her every night.

"And what are you doing right now, Commander?"

"Admiral, Father She is now Admiral."

"It's okay, Garrus. I guess I'll always be Commander Shepard. I think it sounds better somehow, too."

"You deserve this promotion, Litavis."

Smiling, she looked up at him, but then turned directly to his father.

"I am on leave at the moment. The restoration of my body took a very long time and mentally I am still far from ready for action."

"Mentally?"

"I have many memory gaps. Probably because of the wounds. As soon as I get access to something I forgot, now..."

"It has strong physical effects."

Gratefully she looked at Garrus. He really tried to help her. Just before his father it was certainly not easy.

"What effects?"

"It's none of your business, father."

His subvocals made a deep growl with this sentence. Shepard shuddered slightly. She could hear that much better now than before her second recovery.

"Sorry."

"It's all right."

"It's already late. We should probably go to sleep now."

She and Garrus cleaned up while Casis said goodbye and went upstairs.

"Sorry, Litavis."

"It does not have to. He was just a cop. They can never stop asking."

"Yeah, but you're not in the dock here."

"I am his son's girlfriend. Of course I'm sitting in the dock."

Laughing quietly, the Turian lifted her up and carried her into the bedroom. Arriving there he carefully opened the zipper of her dress. Litavis took her pyjamas and changed in the bathroom. When she came back he was already in bed. Since he slept with her regularly they had changed their mattresses. Shepard had had to get used to the very soft ground. As soon as she was in bed, the sniper pulled her in as usual.

"Is everything really okay for you?"

"Yes, it's all right."

"I mean... I guess we'll have to kiss more often now."

"I can imagine worse."

"Very reassuring."

"Do we have to pay attention to anything else?"

"I don't think so. Only that we should probably cuddle more..."

"And you should kiss me next time. The last two times went out from me."

"I can do that."

"But he won't get suspicious if he doesn't hear us moaning at night, will he?"

"I... you... um..."

"That was a joke, Garrus. If necessary, we'll have to run a few porn movies."

"That was a joke too, wasn't it?"

"Whatever makes you sleep better."


	13. cicatrices

**Chapter 13 – cicatrices**

Litavis went through the Citadel with Garrus' family. Casis especially wanted to see the Embassies and C-Security. Thanks to her Spectrestatus she could take the two everywhere. Solana was more interested in all the hustle and bustle. She wanted to go to the Armax Arsenal Arena all the time. Her father had little regard for this. They had been walking around for three hours now. Garrus sister supported them meanwhile. Finally the eldest had an understanding and they sat down in a bistro. Sol had insisted. Casis now listened them out about the coup attempt. He wanted to know everything exactly, especially the attack on C-Sec interested him. Of course she could only tell him about the result. As detailed as she could, she described what had happened. The Turian seemed to be impressed by her approach.

"Would you have shot your comrade?"

"Unnatural, but if it had been necessary, I would have."

"Amazing."

"I am a soldier, Officer Vakarian. The fulfillment of the mission has top priority. If he had left me no other choice, I would have eliminated him, just like Udina. I'm very glad I didn't have to."

"I see. My son said that you pursue your goals relentlessly."

"Not always to your liking. I am a spectre and I have much more possibilities. Nevertheless I try to keep to the laws. Whatever I think of you."

"So Garrus told you about my opinion about Spectre?"

"Directly when we were chasing Saren, yes."

"You don't have a problem with that?"

"Why should I? I never intended to become everybody's darling. Like I said, I'm a soldier."

She drank her coffee and saw Kaidan from afar. The Canadian came straight at her.

"Excuse me, Admiral. A word."

"Of course, Major. Excuse me, please."

She got up and went off with the dark-haired man. She could feel Casi's gaze in her back. The older Turian watched her closely.

"What is it, Kaidan?"

"The nations seem to be slowly uniting. They now want to make your honours on the Citadel."

"A problem would now be solved."

"Yes, the problem would be solved. But the Alliance wants to slowly reinstate you."

"Kaidan, I..."

"I know you don't want this. I understand you. I try as much as I can to dissuade her."

"Thank you."

"You're not surprised at all?"

"That you have seen through the game? No. It was actually clear to me that you would not fall for it for long."

"Then why did you do it?"

"To give you the choice. I know how attached you are to the Alliance. I would have pushed you into a conflict of conscience. I wanted to avoid that."

"That's what I thought. Thank you for that."

"I'm glad you understand."

"I understand you. I also understand why you don't want to go back. You have done enough. More than enough. They should just leave you alone."

"They won't do that. They can't do that either. But first I need a break. I must become clear over some again. I can't really live with all these gaps in my memory. I want to know everything again before I go on the next mission."

"You still have gaps?"

"Yes. I have no idea how I defeated the Reapers. I don't know how Anderson died and I'm still puzzled about many things in my private life."

"I'm sorry to hear that. What is missing you then?"

"A lot of our conversations, for example."

"Only ours?"

"No, also with others."

"So you mainly have gaps in your private life by now?"

"Yes. It's not exactly easy."

"I believe that. Can I help you somehow?"

"I wouldn't know how. The flashbacks come as they want. Some I can trigger, but the others..."

"Hmmm... that's bad."

"It is."

"If you want to talk about it, I'm here."

"Thank you, Kaidan. I should go back then. Garrus' family is waiting for me."

"All right. I'll see you."

He hugged her briefly and Litavis made her way back. She didn't get the chance to sit down again. Casis pushed for departure. Garrus should come home right away. He had now also taken a few days off. Arriving at the apartment, Shepard went upstairs. Afterwards Kashari came by to massage her. She wanted to change for it. As soon as the redhead was finished, she heard voices from below.

"Your girlfriend hugged another man."

"There is nothing there. She can hug whom she wants."

"You have nothing against it?"

"As long as she only hugs, no why should I."

The new admiral came down the stairs. Smiling she looked at her best friend. He came up to her and pressed his forehead against hers. She returned the gesture gently and looked up at him afterwards.

"Shall I take you straight to training?"

"No, Kashari comes here. Then she takes the Mech directly with her again."

"Okay. When?"

"In about two hours."

Together they went into the kitchen and started cooking. They were already a well-rehearsed team. Garrus' father watched them again the whole time. Sol, on the other hand, tried to help them both somehow. After some time they were ready and ate together.

"Do you do that more often?"

"Cooking together? Yes. If he comes home soon enough. Then we cook together. Otherwise I cook, or when I come home later, he cooks for me."

"You really pay attention to each other."

"Of course, Sol. With a girlfriend like that, I'll have to make an effort."

Shepard swallowed hard. She had to keep telling herself that this was just a play. The fact that Garrus now gently grabbed her hand didn't make things any better. Tenderly she returned this gesture. As soon as everyone was full Garrus cleared the table. There it already rang at the door and the young Asari came in.

"Hello, everyone. Are you ready for the massage and lymphatic drainage, Commander? Um... Admiral. I don't think I'll get used to it so quickly. I'm very sorry, but for me you will always be Commander Shepard," Kashari smiled rather embarrassed.

"That's all right. I'm still introducing myself as a commander."

Smiling, she let her best friend carry her up the stairs. She simply ignored the questioning gaze of the Asari. The Turian took the matter, with the more physical contact, now very seriously. As soon as she was alone with Kashari she explained everything to her. The Asari found this idea very sweet. The massage was as always very painful. Her scars were terribly sensitive. Each touch was a single torture. Sweat covered her whole body and Shepard could only with difficulty suppress a whimper. Her breath accelerated and her eyes became glassy. She knew that the Asari would like to apologize to her all the time. The heartbeat of the redheads accelerated. After an hour and a half it was fortunately over. With trembling hands she dressed again. Exhausted, Shepard just sat on the bed. Suddenly Garrus sat next to her and pulled her tight.

"I've never seen you right after that."

"That's why I always stay in the room half an hour longer. I look like shit."

"Bullshit. You have pain. There that is nevertheless completely natural."

Carefully he pulled her wide legged on his lap. He pulled her tightly to himself and warmed her up like this. The sniper knew that warmth was good for her now. Sighing, she leaned against her best friend and closed her eyes. She felt that both of them were being watched. But she just didn't care. Litavis felt the hard mouth plates on her lips. Her hands lay on his neck and gently stroked him there. His tongue penetrated into her mouth again and she welcomed her only too gladly. Slowly they separated again.

"I should take a shower, I stink."

"I think you smell good. Reminds me of all the fights we survived."

"And I thought you were gonna compliment me."

Laughing, she got up and went to the bathroom. The shower was really good. Her tense muscles continued to relax. Finally Litavis only left the bathroom with a towel. Surprised, she looked at her best friend, who was still in the bedroom.

"Is there anything else?"

"My father wants to meet some former colleagues and I'm supposed to come with him."

"And you don't want to?

"I think he has ulterior motives."

"You mean he wants to set you up with a daughter?"

"I think he wants to ask me about us."

"And Turians don't have it with lying. Then get his colleagues to talk. So he doesn't even get to it."

"Good idea."

"If anything happens, write me a message. I'll come save you then."

"Sounds good."

He watched as she slipped under the towel and her underwear. Slowly he stood up and stopped in front of her. Carefully he reached for the piece of cloth, but Shepard held it tight.

"Garrus..."

"Come on, Litavis. I've often seen you without armour."

"That was before a Tresher Maw chewed on me and spat me out again."

"I got a rocket..."

"And I have a Reaper beam."

"Ok, you won. But what are you afraid of?"

"I..."

Slowly she dropped the towel and looked in another direction. It was unpleasant for her. Her body looked terrible. Slowly he stretched out his hands and waited for her Okay before he touched her. Shepard was always surprised at how tender he could be. Although she felt uncomfortable, his warmth made her purr. Eventually he pulled her right back to himself.

"You are still the same beautiful woman as before."

Was his father nearby? Why else would he say that? She had heard nothing, but there was probably no other explanation for it. He kissed her again, before he simply left the room. Confused, she looked after him and dressed. When she came down Garrus' sister was sitting alone on the sofa.

"Solana, they didn't take you with them?"

"No, Dad wanted to talk to his son alone."

"The two are impossible. Let's both go out too."

"Where are we going?

"To the AAA. We'll watch the fights live."

"Oh yes."

So they both went out and entered the arena.

"Shepard, where are we going?"

"In the participant's area. You wanted to be down there with me so bad."

"You are caelestis Satana?"

"I am. I used the arena for training."

"On the one hand, I'm terribly embarrassed that I raved so much about you in front of you. On the other hand, I like my brother's girlfriend better and better."

Laughing, Litavis set the parameters for the fight and the two went to change. Solana really blossomed in the fight simulation. Unlike her brother, she loved her shotgun. Shepard made the young Turian easy at first and only supported her. The fight hadn't been bad, but well below her average. Directly she started the next fight and this time she took the lead. Sol obeyed every command and her result was much better.

"Now I know why Garrus always listens to you."

"Not always. But on missions, definitely."

"May I ask you something, Shepard?"

"Of course."

"You and my brother..."

"Yes?"

"Don't you have sex?"

"Please what?"

"Excuse me. Is that a personal topic for humans?"

"Yes, pretty much. But how do you come up with that?"

"Well, we live until the wedding with our parents or the parents of our partners, and sex is just part of a partnership."

"You're right about that. Only... through all my wounds it has been hard lately. Even now... I am completely covered with scars. With too much pressure they hurt hellishly. I can hardly breathe then".

"Sorry, Shepard. I shouldn't have asked."

"It's okay. If your father asks you the same question, you can explain it to him."

"You saw through me."

"I have practice in it."

"Should we pick up Garrus? I know where my father wanted to go with him."

"We don't have to. They should also spend some time together."

"But we should."

"What's the matter, Sol?"

"I don't know. But it's strange that I shouldn't come with them."

"Well then, let's go."

The way was not so far. Shepard knew the bar. There were really pretty dancers here. Already when she entered the club she discovered the table where her best friend was sitting. He did everything not to stare at the Asari dancer in front of him.

"What is my father thinking? I am so sorry, Shepard."

"Don't be. He can look at others with pleasure. That doesn't bother me."

"Really not?"

"LOLA!"

Shepard turned around and started laughing.

"James! What are you doing here?"

"My unit is going to Palavan the day after tomorrow for training. And so today we take our chance to relax again."

"Sounds good. Oh James, that's Solana Vakarian."

"Nice to meet you. Don't you two want to celebrate with us, Commander?"

"Shepard is admiral now."

"Shit, Lola. Your drinks are on me."

"If that's the case, we're happy to accept the invitation, James, of course."

So the two women joined the N7 recruits. Of course she was recognized immediately. But James dealt with her as usual. They drank a lot. If Garrus father had noticed her, she couldn't say, she didn't care. They spent some hours with James Unit and often enough they were toasted loudly. Solana took each round with her and was finally quite drunk.

"Come on, Sol. I'll take you home."

The Turian nodded weakly and hooked up with Shepard.

"Hey, can I watch the game with you tomorrow, Lola?"

"If you bring beer, James."

Laughing, she made her way home. Just as they were passing the table of Sol's father, Garrus jumped up and helped her with his sister. Casis followed them silently. They put the young Turian to bed.

"Everything okay, Litavis?"

"Oh, as if the puppies could keep up with me."

"Everything else would have surprised me too."

"James came by tomorrow. He wants to watch the game before he goes to Palavan."

"You're inviting other men into your home, Admiral Shepard?"

"Why not? James has fought the Reapers together with us and is now in training for the N7."

"Well..."

"Whether I invite a comrade or you drag your son to a strip club, what's the difference?"

Smiling, she went up the stairs and wanted to be ready for bed. Shortly after her, Garrus entered the room. He seemed kind of dejected.

"Hey, big guy. What's going on?"

"I... I didn't want to go to the club..."

"Don't worry about it, Garrus. You can go wherever you want. I only wanted to slow your father down a little."

Only now did she realise that she was still standing there without a top. The door opened and Litavis quickly fled into Garrus' arms. The Turian took off his shirt and really pressed on her. Only then did he flash angrily at his father and begin to growl. Immediately the elder closed the door again. They should probably lock soon. The heat of the other body was pleasant.

"Your skin is still very soft."

"Garrus..."

As she was, he carried her to bed and pulled her into his arms. She snuggled up to him and closed her eyes. How he held her. Litavis just felt safe.


	14. abscisio

**Chapter 14 - abscisio**

Shepard laughed out loud. James had really come by. Besides the beer he had brought Kaidan and Steve with him. They had watched the game and the redhead had predicted the winner again. Since the men had bet again and she was again not allowed to participate, they played poker now. James had really undressed Kaidan and Steve, but he had a lot of trouble with her. Finally he went all in and grinned at her. Of course the admiral went with him. A dirty grin lay on her trains. James had a straight flush. He stretched out his hands at the chips, but Litavis hit him on the fingers. She slowly turned her cards over with relish. One after the other. Finally there was a royal flush on the table. She sipped her beer and listened to James ranting. They had the apartment to themselves. Garrus was out with his family. They played some more games and finally sat down in front of the TV again. The major had wanted to cook again, but they had ordered pizza instead. They spent the whole day together. Finally James and Steve said goodbye and she was left alone with Kaidan. She looked radiantly at the Canadian as he pulled an antique game console out of his pocket. Immediately a hot battle broke out between them. The screams and moans of their characters could be heard all over the apartment. They both didn't care. Shepard hadn't felt that free in a long time. She didn't have to worry about anything, she didn't have to think, and her most important decision was which attack to take next. As time went by they got better and better. It took something to get them used to the game again. But maybe it was the constant consumption of alcohol that was the reason. Laughing she caught Kaidan when he stumbled on the way to the bathroom. Still grinning, she brought him to the door. She never expected to see the Major like this. Slightly stumbling he came out again. Shepard directly grabbed him under his arms. Back on the sofa she laid the dark-haired man down and made a coffee. As soon as she was back and had put the cups down, Kaidan suddenly pulled her to himself.

"Why Garrus?"

"What?"

"Why Garrus, why not me?"

"Kaidan, what are you talking about?"

"Why are you with Garrus and not with me?"

"Are you jealous?"

"Yes, I am."

"Kaidan, I..."

"Why, Litavis?"

"Kaidan, I'm not with Garrus. We are doing this for his father. He wants Garrus to get married and he doesn't want that."

"So, aren't you with him?"

"No, I'm not..."

She wasn't, was she? Even though it was always faked, it felt real from time to time. Her best friend was always there. He took her in his arms and left her alone when she needed it. He held her tight, gave her security... The kisses they shared... it felt so real. Meanwhile they slept in the same bed. Every night the redhead snuggled into his arms and there she was safe. Safe from the nightmares that had plagued her night after night. The Turian was very attentive. Any change in her immediately caught his eye and he reacted. Despite all her scars, he called her beautiful. He was not afraid of her sight. On top of that, he had been sitting at her bedside for days. They were not a couple, but every now and then it felt that way. Litavis was ripped from her mind as warm lips lay on hers. Frightened, she retreated.

"You are drunk, Kaidan."

"You are right. I'm sorry."

Shepard quickly got up and handed the coffee to the Canadian. The feeling had been familiar. Of course it was. After all, they were once... well... what had they actually been? A couple? That would probably be too much to say. But close to it. What did she delude herself? They had been together. Kaidan had loved her and she too had feelings for him. At least until Horizon. Everything had changed there. It had hurt her. And again Garrus had been there to catch her. Quickly she drove the thought away again. That led to nothing. Smiling, she looked at the major who was quietly slurping his coffee. He didn't try to get any closer. After some time he stood up staggering. Quickly she caught him again.

"I should go."

"I'll bring you. You can't make your way alone anymore."

So she went outside with him and took him to the taxi. Litavis really got in and brought Kaidan to the front door. The swaying didn't stop the whole time. So the path led her to his bed, where Shepard gently laid down the major.

"Stay with me."

"Sleep, Kaidan."

"Only this night..."

Sighing, she covered him up and breathed a kiss on his forehead. Before he could reach for her, she disappeared home. The taxi took her back. But not in her apartment, but in the AAA. Too many thoughts were circling in her head. She had to let off steam. Fight after fight was won. For a change also one, without firing a single shot. Close combat in combination with Biotic. It was exhausting and the whole body began to tingle pleasantly. The Biotic had not triggered this feeling for a long time. Hot and cold showers overcame them. At that time she had felt this feeling more often. It had taken many years of training to control herself. Now she welcomed it. It was nice to know that her destroyed body was still capable of it. But now she urgently needed a cold shower. As fast as she could, the redhead made her way home. Unfortunately the cold shower had to wait. Her roommate and his family were back. Like every time since his family was there, he came up to her to kiss her. This time he put his mouthplates on their lips. She leaned slightly against the Turian. Shocked, Litavis gasped as she was suddenly lifted up. The sniper ran up the stairs with her so fast that she really had to hold on this time.

"Garrus, what's the matter?"

"You smell excited."

"I'm doing what?"

She got warm. Heat rose in her face, she turned red. Shepard had always realized that Turians had a very fine sense of smell, but that he could smell it so well was embarrassing to her. She quickly looked in a different direction.

"You smell excited, Litavis."

"Oh..."

"I didn't want my father... are you embarrassed right now?"

"Yes, damn it."

"It doesn't have to be."

Sighing, the redhead looked briefly at her best friend before she shook her head and wanted to turn around. The sniper grabbed her and pulled her tight. His face rested in her neck bend and he took a deep breath. Shepard stopped as if frozen. Her heart beat violently in her chest. She swallowed hard.

"Garrus, what are you doing?"

"You smell so good."

"That's what's going on, that's embarrassing, not better."

"I'm sorry."

He just wouldn't let her go. His heavy breath made her shiver more and more. Damn it. He kissed her. Moaning, Shepard opened her lips. Garrus' rough tongue entered her. Her legs gave way and the Turian held her tight. Litavis gasped against the strange tongue in her mouth. Her hands lay in Garrus' neck and she massaged the sensitive spot just below his fringe. The vibrating of his chest chased down another shower through her body. Breathing heavily, she finally detached herself from him.

"I should really take a shower now."

Discontented, he finally let her go. Under the cold shower she looked at her hands. A slightly bluish shimmer emanated from them. She should have been more careful with the new implants. Inside, an unbridled heat raged. She seemed to melt. The water became colder and colder, but the burning remained. She breathed deeply. Control. She needed control. The redhead turned off the water. She couldn't get out now. The whole family would smell her. Only with a towel she went back into the bedroom. Like a few days ago, Garrus was still in the bedroom looking at her. Directly he pulled her back to himself and buried his face in her neck bend. What did he do with her? He pulled the towel away. Shepard didn't care that she now stood naked in front of him. She didn't care that he saw all her scars, none of which bothered him. The sniper lifted her up and carried her to bed. As soon as she didn't feel his body any more, she started thinking again. This was a mistake. What if she suddenly had to remember again? She couldn't just use Garrus like that. Not her best friend. If she would at least remember her one night. But... was this really so wrong? After all, the initiative came from him, not from her. Again his mouthplates hit her lips and she moaned softly. As soon as his weight depressed her, she moaned painfully. Under the pressure some of her scars opened. Garrus immediately withdrew. Her blood stuck to his top. Without further ado, he took it off after retiring. Again he bent over her, but this time he caught his weight. His rough, long tongue speeded over her bloody belly. Litavis moaned hoarse. Again and again the cheeky tongue jumped over her trembling muscles. She bit her lips hard not to groan loudly. What did he do with her? He penetrated her oral cavity and Shepard tasted her own blood. The iron taste had never bothered her. Again her hands lay down on his neck and massaged the sensitive spot. His whole body vibrated through his purring. Her action shifted to the sides of his neck, where the skin was much softer. Shepard's fingers slipped to Garrus' waist. She kept stroking the soft leather. His purring became louder.

"Your smell is driving you crazy, Litavis... I want you."

She could only nod. Hard he grabbed her and suddenly the door opened. Litavis flinched and looked back. The sniper had fallen from bed in shock. She reached for the blanket and covered her nakedness. Angrily, she sparkled at Castis.

"OUT!"

Solana pulled on her father, who was clearly drunk.

"I told you we were disturbing. Now come on. Damn it."

As soon as the door closed, she turned around and announced her best friend. He slowly straightened up and sat next to him.

"From now on I only call your father Coitus Interruptus."

Laughing he wrapped his arms around her.


End file.
